Dear brother, in my short sojourn in life so far, there are a few things I have noticed about life. There seems to be certain core courses of experience that virtually everyone goes through. They are permanent laws of life. No one has control over them. You just have to accept them for what they are. Who are you to think you can change them anyway? Life is far older than you. You will soon use up your eighty years life span and be gone. Life will still be here after you are long gone. Was here before you came. One of those realities of life is that you cannot always get what you want. God too funny enough. He wishes that no one perishes in 2 Peter 3:9. We all know that wish is not coming to pass. So you’re in right company.
There are times you love and want a woman so much but she doesn’t share the same feelings about you. The same woman badly crushes on another guy who may even be considered not as sophisticated as you, and yet that guy doesn’t look at her side one bit. Something you want to die to get, someone else treats with contempt. So you are a victim of her. She is a victim of someone else. In the end, we are all victims. So wipe your tears. Life is an equaliser. What goes around always comes around. Sometimes you wonder what the girl is looking for with this guy she wants to kill herself for that she can’t get from you in two folds? Yet, that’s the person she wants even with his rags if you care and not you with your fancy car and queens English. Isn’t this mysterious?
So first can I assure you; that a woman or man turned you down does not in any way show that you’re inferior. And that you’re in a position today where you have to turn down the crush of a woman isn’t a reason for you to think yourself some super star. If you were such a super star, why did the other lady turn you down also? She’s not even as beautiful and accomplished as this lady that wants you so badly. So can you put on some humility. In the end, we are all victims.
There are too many reasons why someone can turn down your proposal. Why a relationship cannot work. It’s never always a case of you not being good enough. It could be tribal differences. I know several of my friends who took off from someone they were already pursuing upon discovering the fact that she is “ijebu”. Their parents warned them to never bring home any ijebu girl. By the way I don’t believe the trash. Don’t know where the superstition emanated from especially for Christians as in Christ Jesus, there is neither Jew or Gentile, Bond or Free. Christ is all and is in all. (Col 3:11). That means, every genuine child of God has a new tribe different from that in which we were born. That was a necessary digression. The issue is these my friends often wouldn’t tell those ladies why they took off in order not to hurt their feelings.
Sometimes the reason you were turned down is because you came at the wrong time. And in relationship affairs, it isn’t always that you get a second chance. Life moves so fast that the chances of a second chance are sometimes slim. Some ladies always like to take “tea breaks” after breakups before going into a fresh relationship for instance. If you’re unlucky to have proposed during the interregnum, you will be turned down. And then you continue to pester and pester. By the time they are ready, you have pestered their life to the point of provocation so that they want a new experience. A fresh excitement. That’s how your fate is permanently sealed. And as you can see, this had nothing to do with your qualities and prospects. Just bad timing.
As beautiful and gifted as you are sometimes, a guy cannot see you because his mind is already fixated on someone else that is showing signals she will agree around the same time you began to love on him. His fixation on that lady has blocked his view on the prospects of other women. Sorry, wrong timing. Has nothing to do with you really.
Let’s now assume the reasons the relationship is not taking off is because of stuffs like physical attraction, character, value, exposure, cultural literacy; you need to know that one man’s poison is another man’s food. Someone may think you are not good for her but that doesn’t mean you are not good. Just not for her. The same you that someone else treats with contempt, when you meet someone who has been looking for just your spec, you’ll be amazed what will happen. A friend once told me, “I’m never attracted to someone that is not fat.” What then happens if everyone slims down?
Considering how I wanted to die to get my Iyebiye, anytime she tells me about male friends she had related with in the past who weren’t really crazy about her, I used to wonder if those people had eyes at all. Or are they all blind? How can you have access to such a “goddess” and not want to go out with her? Anyway, thank God for their lives. She was mine. That’s why they didn’t see her. And yet there are people who have turned me down in the past I don’t consider half as beautiful and polished as my current (you know what I mean) with all humility. Why then did I think it was the end of the world when they turned me down? Why did I think it was because I wasn’t good enough? No Sir and ma, you’re good enough. Just wait for someone looking for your spec.
Yet, those people (who had turned me down) are themselves great people. Their own men would probably disagree with me and tell me their wives are the most beautiful and blessed women in the world and not my own wife. That’s the beauty of everything. The joy is each of us found our own “spec-celebrator”.
Those attitudinal disposition of yours that cannot change and someone cannot tolerate, there is just someone who is ready to live with it and love you just like that. Of course there are things that can change. And please keep editing yourself for good. But there are things you can’t edit about yourself.
This sister has had a protracted crush on you and is finding it hard to move on. With all I’ve told you, your disposition to her should now be different. Don’t ever disrespect or treat her with contempt on account of this. Know that it is a privilege to be loved to the point of obsession. Ordinary you. But make sure you have a discussion and let her know that you don’t share similar feelings. And don’t give a signal of something coming up in the future when you know nothing will come up. Then give yourself space. But doesn’t mean you can’t within healthy intervals say hello to her or comment on her status. She’s a great person you know? Whenever you say hello to her, if you want to be a loving brother the way I have been taught, do everything to help her self esteem to bounce back. You may want to tell her how much you appreciate her friendship. If you know other sterling qualities she has (and everybody does), extol her on these qualities. Based on these qualities of hers, let her know how privileged her future husband will be to have her. Just be gracious. There is a way this will further help her feelings and make purposeful platonic friendship possible in the future. Not a must though. Of course, you have to ensure you are never misunderstood to mean you are now back for a relationship. You’re not back but you are humbled by the thought that someone so blessed, so gifted, so potentiated, can love you so badly; and as much as is practicable, you want to show you do not take it for granted.
I hope you’ll do that and carry this mindset henceforth. Don’t ever be proud or treat people badly. For we are all nothing but pencils in the hands of the creator.
Do your own part and leave the rest. She’ll be able to move on and she’ll be fine. We will all be fine.
Talk to me again, if you need further help.
If she writes me herself, I can share with her what she can do on her own part to be fine. For now, just do yours.
Your Brother,
Peniela Akintujoye.
