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Dear Priscilla, I do not know how to understand the statement that your guy is born again but hasn’t totally given it up for God. And part of what He hasn’t given up for God is a life of fornication. This is not someone that desperately wants to stop but hasn’t gotten sufficient strength to break an addiction. This is someone that is holding his chest out and fighting you for saying you shouldn’t have sex in your relationship. He even told you that since you sin in other ways, why do you think refraining from fornication is sufficient to give you right standing before God. He is actually theologically attacking the usefulness of your righteous pursuit. And yet he is born again?

I’m not sure you know what it really means to be born again. You think it’s just about confessing an historical event and claiming to agree with it? Yes, that’s how the ‘process’ of being born again begins but it goes beyond just a mental consent to an historical event, it has to involve a heart transaction of repentance from dead works and faith in the finished work of Christ, which where genuine cannot leave the life of the fellow the same way.

Where someone has been genuinely born again, the result of what his life will look like is documented in 1 John 3:1-10. Go and do a proper study of this passage. Read it in all versions. You’ll find one conclusion that is without controversy there. Anyone who is born again doesn’t make a practice of sinning – his system no longer finds sin convenient not to talk of being an advocate of it like this guy. Those who are born again possess the seed of God – the spermatozoa of God. The implication is that by the introduction of God’s spermatozoa into them, they receive his DNA and begin to resemble Him – this changes their nature completely from that which loves to sin to that which detests it.

In their journey to entrenching this new nature, they MAY make some accidental slips sometimes; but their response to those slips – the godly sorrow that follows and quick repentance, coupled with a determination not to repeat the error – will confirm to you that their life is no longer a natural habitat for sin. This is the real proof of whether someone is born again or not.

On the basis of the aforesaid, don’t deceive yourself further that this your guy is born again. I’m sorry to say that he is not. He is only “born wuruwuwu.” Fake! You have to deal with the fruits of his life not unfounded idealism of what he calls himself. Jesus our Grandmaster told us, “by their fruits, you shall know them.” Let no one deceive you, he that commits sin is of the devil. 1 John 3:8a.

Having said all I’ve said, let me quickly interrogate the theological issue he raised. First, our justification and right standing with God is premised on the blood of Jesus which none of us worked for. The ministry of the blood gives us right standing with God not our works primarily. However God’s plan for us as revealed in scripture doesn’t stop with justification, it includes sanctification. Sanctification is being set apart for holy use which in lay man’s language is the pursuit of practical holiness. In other words, God doesn’t just want to forgive our sins, he wants to neutralize the sinner in us ultimately. The salvation that the new testament presents to us stands on these two legs: justification and sanctification. The two must be held together.

The moment we come into Christ therefore and enjoy his forgiveness (justification), we ought to immediately pursue becoming like Jesus (another way to describe sanctification). The Bible enjoined us to perfect holiness (bring our consecration to completeness -AMPC) in the fear of God.

Having therefore these promises, dearly beloved, let us cleanse ourselves from all filthiness of the flesh and spirit, perfecting holiness in the fear of God.
2 Corinthians 7:1 KJV

Perfection in holiness is not a day’s job. It’s a journey. If God therefore gives you grace to overcome fornication (eventhough you haven’t overcome anger), take the anti-fornication grace and get fornication out of the way. That takes you closer to perfection. Until you’re able to overcome anger, use the blood of Jesus to guarantee your justification daily. I know of a fact though that God’s grace comes as a single package – able to neutralize all iniquities at once – but certainly not all of us maximize the grace at once – this is the sense in which I speak about anti-fornication grace. The same grace which is able to give you victory over fornication is able to give you victory over all other forms of iniquity. Better still, we should seek to maximize the grace of God to neutralize all our habitual iniquities at once.

But at least for the sake of responding to your boyfriend’s argument, it is still better to be moving closer to perfection than to be moving deeper into iniquity just because you haven’t attained perfection for a considerable period of time.

In that sense therefore, as you pursue sanctification, never drop your justification by faith. Whenever you slip, plead the blood which cleanses you and declares you not guilty, while you keep moving even harder towards perfection. That way your justification remains intact.

It then means that your own approach of getting any sin you can get out of the way out of the way as you strive for perfection in others is a surer means of securing your place in heaven at last. His own approach is a fast route to hell. His approach encourages willful sinfulness under the guise of no one can be perfect.

Even if God’s grace will subsidize for you, you have to demonstrate your own true desire to do God’s will so that as much as lie with you, you actively run away from every known sin. No one can continue in wilful sinfulness in the hope that grace will abound. All such people will get the shocker of their life on the last day.

This guy has given you a subtle threat that he can leave any time on account of your stance. So really, your value to him is directly proportional to the sex you’re able to give him? He hasn’t seen any virtue or potential, or character in you that is so precious that he can’t afford to miss out on? My God! Is that how valueless you are? And you think this guy really loves you? Is this how true love works?

If a man has truly fallen in love with your personality, the last thing he will consider is not to marry you at last. He won’t be able to imagine it because he’s already so fascinated about your virtues, your beauty, the deep friendship you both share and your personality, so much that he wants to have it for life. He will rather begin to talk to you about how you can fastrack marriage plans so that he can have sex with you legitimately. That’s how true love works dear. I’m surprised that you’re not seeing it.

But here you are, you don’t want to lose a man who doesn’t care about losing you. My dear, you’re more valuable than this now! Why are you thinking so cheaply about yourself? There are several men looking for a virtuous woman like you. Why are you fixating yourself on a man who doesn’t value what you possess?

What’s more scary to me is the fate of your eternity if you marry this guy in this state he is. This his mentality will ultimate discourage you from a life of pursuing holiness even after marriage. It’s already happening. You’re already living in compromise because of him. But you don’t want to cut if off and hurt him at the expense of pleasing God and perhaps your eternity? At the expense of the possibility that he won’t even be faithful to you in marriage knowing that a fornicator is an adulterer in training? At the expense of realizing your purpose in God? Why are you staking so much on this guy when you can easily find someone else who is correct?

The issue is you’re worried you won’t find someone else isn’t it? Why is your confidence in God so weak? Aren’t you just 24? Eventhough I know you’ll find a good person, is it not even better to remain single and inherit the kingdom of God at last than married and miss out; or be in a marriage that won’t bring you joy?

May you receive strength to bolt out of this sinful arrangement as quickly as possible. Much love dear.

Your brother,
Peniela E. Akintujoye.

©️Peniela Eniayo, Akintujoye| hello@lovestraighttalks.com


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