WHO HELPS WHO?

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Hi friends. I just feel like greeting you today before we talk. I hope that’s not a signal that the talk will be very hard? In advance I want to thank you for remaining a friend even after today’s talk. You’re just too much. Many thanks.

Someone joined the community and I recommended she reads the article “When love is not enough”. She read and claimed she was marvellously blessed but had a question which clearly the post didn’t address. She asked, “but what happens when the vision of a lady does not go with that of the guy. Does she have to compromise hers for his since the bible says the woman is supposed to be a helpmeet to her man?”

Serious question! I thought this was too important not to be addressed even if it meant we were moving backward a bit. Perhaps she just voiced a matter that leads to unending cold war between couples. A question especially that many women of our own generation want to settle.

Now please we will have to turn to scripture to get the answer. That’s where the purpose of the maker of marriage and the modus operandi for running it successfully can be found.

And to be candid the first place to dig the matter from is the scripture that sister referred to. Gen 2:18. “And the Lord God said, it is not good that the man should be alone, I will make him an help meet for him.”

The keyword here is “help”. Help or Helper is someone who comes to partake of a burden, so as to make it lighter for another person who is more primarily responsible for that burden. A person who is the primary visioner of a work can not be regarded as a “help”. If she is a help, she cannot be doing a different, independent, unconnected work. It is not a new initiative that she comes to start; otherwise, it would not be ‘help’ but another work entirely. Being a help, it must be submissive and secondary to the total design: whatever she is doing must be connected to the overall work, must take its bearing from the overall vision God has given the man.

Now, we do know that several women receive and conceive several independent visions before they got married or even after. Some had even founded a business- a company that is thriving. Different kinds of visions. So how can we just be saying “the vision of the man?” What about the vision of the woman which is equally valid and many which came directly from God Himself?

Let me show you the operational principle.

For the man is not of the woman; but the woman of the man. Neither was the man created for the woman; but the woman for the man. 1 Corinthians 11:8‭-‬9 KJV”]

Please take note of the word “for” in that verse 9. It is pointing to the reason why God created the woman in the first place.

See also the verse earlier quoted in Gen. 2:18. “I will make (for) him a help meet for him.

Please note as we are discovering that the woman was made for the man. Of course, I’m not saying all women are made for all men. This only relates to the marital relationship. You as a woman, you’re made for your man. All that is in a wife- her beauty, her intelligence, her endowments, her spiritual gifts and talents, her hands and handiworks; her bosom, her womb and all that make her who she is, are for her husband, completely without any reservations.

Other people may benefit from all these graces but they are primarily for the man. Of course by implication for the Lord. But this man himself is living for the Lord. God is asking him to collect all of these investments on His behalf. The vision the man is pursuing is actually a quantum of God’s overall purpose on the earth. So by being for the man, the woman is actually being for God. She’s not doing her husband a favor, because come to think of it, it’s not her husband’s work, it is God’s work and purpose he himself is pouring his whole life into.

Our wives with all their beauty and endowments and invaluable graces are God’s investment into our lives so we may have no excuse not to finish the work God has assigned to us. If I was to chase one thousand as one man, God now expects ten thousand with the investment of this precious daughter of his into my life. For brothers, this is really something to think soberly about. You are inexcusable. And again you must understand that if on account of the investment of her whole self into you in obedience to God, she becomes wasted because you mismanaged her life, God is going to call you to account.

Now if we (the bible actually) said the woman is for the man – all she is and all she has – then her visions also are for the man. They are part of the help God wants her to contribute to his life. Remember quickly again that his own life himself is a living (active and present continuous) sacrifice unto God.

Please don’t struggle with this as a woman. This is God’s will. Nothing else is His will. Maybe this is the more reason you should be more careful with who you choose as your husband. Be surer God is approving that He is sponsoring you as help into His life. Whatever the case, the moment you choose a man as your husband, he is the one to receive the help God has parcelled into you.

As a brother, whatever vision God has given to your wife is for you. It must be seen as the other fragments of the ones you already know. Collect the vision and draw a plan as to how it will be accomplished in the light of the overall vision God has communicated to you.

Sister, please happily submit the vision(s) to your man and then let him lead the discussion and plan as to how God will be leading you to get the vision accomplished. Your role is now to help him to accomplish his entire vision (which is the vision of God for the marriage) and which includes the vision God brought to him through your life.

Note sisters that running an independent (or even competitive) vision from your husband’s is not God’s plan for you. You are supposed to follow your husband’s sense of calling and find your ministry in that helping supportive framework. You are for him. You are no more primarily seeking your own things. It is no more a priority even to work in an employment if it will jeopardize your being for him completely in all that God ordains him to accomplish in life. May the Lord give you the grace to receive this.

Of course it is not always the case that you have to resign your job so as to be for your husband. The job itself may be providing some sort of support for your husband or may even be part of the overall vision of God for the marriage. It is also sometimes possible to combine the job with supporting your husband in fulfilling God’s calling for your marriage. This is an instance where the job is actually not the calling but just a mere business – a means of earning money. (Paul supported himself through tent-making but that was never his ministry or calling). In such a case, your job mustn’t block your commitment to your husband in fulfilling your calling. You can be in different and “not complimentary” jobs, professions or visions that are not “spiritual callings” perse but you must be in the same spiritual calling and those visions that are a direct subset of your purpose from God.

Dr. Myles Munroe puts the foregoing in an interesting way: he said, “When a wife decides she wants a completely different vision for her life than her husband’s vision, they will experience a division.”

Now to brothers, the fact that we said that your wife’s visions are for you doesn’t mean you must be the one to take the lead in the practical execution of the vision especially if she has better skills and experience in executing the particular vision. Some of the visions may even relate to the advancement of her career, an area which may not be your own field. Make your own contributions but assign her to take the lead while you follow her in submission regarding that particular project. You are not here to struggle with your wife. She’s for you. Whatever she accomplishes is still for you. Every good leader thinks first about who best can get a work done rather than useless ego.

You are a pastor. All your life the only thing you are well skilled in is ministry work. You don’t know much about business and investing. Now God brought you a woman who is an entrepreneur and has been running a successful company. According to God’s word, both the company and the owner (your wife) are for you including the vision God gave her to turn that business into a multi-million dollar venture so that the proceed can be used to sponsor the gospel. It’s your vision. She ought to submit to your administration all she is and has. But if you’re a wise man, you ought to assign her to take the lead in the execution of all that pertains to that company because you clearly know nothing about running a company. Let her handle it For You. When there is a discussion as to matters concerning the company, you ought to be the one to submit the right of a final say to her because she is more knowledgeable in that subject. What I’m saying is that this whole thing is teamwork. Who leads more on a particular project and who submits more depends on who is more knowledgeable. What is more important is the goal that God wants us to achieve for the benefit of his overall work in our hands. This is where submitting to one another comes in. (Ephesians 5:21). But again, the wife who is clearly more the entrepreneur despite her superior knowledge (in business) should happily listen to her husband if he, for instance, receives from the Lord that a particular investment will not work out if embarked upon because of something that will soon happen that is not yet apparent. That’s not the information you get in business schools. That’s within his place as the spiritual oversight of the family. All I’m saying is that men should not be overbearing in the nitty-gritty details of projects their wives are better skilled to handle for the marriage.

Maybe there may still be a few sisters reading this and protesting based on all we’ve discussed, who are now already removing their headgears ready to fight. (Humour intended). But wait a moment. Let me show you the wisdom of God.

You remember that the man is commanded to love his wife even as Christ loved the Church and gave himself for her? Good. You’re smart. Means the man ought to give himself for his wife. After he has become (and of course as he becomes) all that God destined him to be- through not just your help but maybe a lot more of his own personal labour and the grace of God too, God now expects him to give the totality of all of that to you. That means to offer himself as a gift for your ownership. He is yours to own. His name and all the honour that comes with it is yours. His glory, His influence, his privileges. All yours. After all, he is your baby. And this is not an advice. God commands him to give himself for you. The same thing Christ did. He gave himself for the church. As a result he gave us total access to His name, His glory and His influence. I thought we said you’re for him before. Now we are realising in the end he is for you.

So you mean all that I am and that I’ll be must be given to Iyebiye as her inheritance? In the end who is working for who? You sisters have suddenly put on your headgears. You’re not fighting anymore. Glory to God.

For a related talk, please search for “A shared Mandate” and “When love is not enough.”

Your brother,
Peniela Akintujoye.
hello@lovestraighttalks.com

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