My dear Aquila, I’m afraid that the details matter. The implication of marriage is that you inherit all the assets that have been accumulated in the life of your partner throughout her past – but sadly the liabilities too. It is important for you to know exactly the quantum of liability you’re trying to inherit.
This is what makes marriage such a sensitive venture. You meet your partner as an adult. By that time, they’ve passed through different hands who have sometimes made very negative imprints on their lives. Some of them were damaged emotionally by their own very parents. The baggages of such emotional volatility is yours to grapple with throughout marriage. Something you had no contribution to.
Some were exposed to dangerous sexual habits by a far older boyfriend as a naive girl just entering the university. As a result, they got hooked on stubborn habits. Those habits are still with them when innocent you came into the scene. You’ll have to inherit that problem and have to begin to work assiduously to resolve it. A problem you never created.
How for instance isn’t it relevant to know if your prospect has been sexually active before you met? If yes, it’s important to find out if there has been pregnancy in the past. In the process of the pregnancy, was their abortion? If yes, was rhesus isoimmunization issues put into consideration?
This is the reason some women are never able to conceive in marriage. They aborted for one stupid boy as a university girl without considering rhesus isoimmunization issues (read up on the subject). In marriage, an innocent man who could have even married as a virgin like you will have to battle with childlessness as a result of this.
The issue wasn’t pregnancy for some, it was Sexually Transmitted Diseases. If your partner has had multiple partners in the past, won’t it be relevant to go for some screening before you start deceiving yourself about one blind love that will soon open its eyes when you become HIV positive? How will you be able to hint at the possibility of STDs if details aren’t disclosed?
For some, it was a violent experience like rape that left in its wake a Post Traumatic Stress Disorder which ought to have been professionally handled before marriage. Going into marriage without sorting out this kind of issue can wreck havoc on your sexual life. Each time you want to touch your wife, the images of the violence flash back and she’s unable to open herself to you.
Then for some, the problem was addiction. Addiction to Porn and Masturbation and sadly for others, sadistic sex. Sadistic sex is the type that involves infliction of pain and torture on your partner before you can experience sexual arousal. You imagine that you’re married to a woman who never gets sexually aroused until you humiliate her and cut her and tie her with ropes. How will you handle that? But one of her exes introduced her to that. How do you restore her mind to normal functioning before frustration messes up your sexual life as a couple? That problem is yours to inherit.
I have received distress mails in the past from frustrated wives whose husbands are hooked on Pornography and masturbation. You think that’s a small problem? When your partner prefers to sit before the screen and masturbate in your presence than to come for the real thing with you? And this is not a once in a while thing. They are hooked.
Based on the foregoing therefore, you may perhaps have realized that it is very insulting and shallowminded for a woman you plan to marry to tell you not to worry about the details of her sexual past. You mean I should not worry about the details of the quantum of liability I’m about to fully inherit? Complete nonsense talk!
I understand that it isn’t proper to download details to a cursory suitor whose intentions are not yet very clear. But that’s not what you are to this lady. This is someone you’ve already taken home to see your parents. But up till now she has not yet answered the question whether she is a virgin or not. You don’t know the answer. Rather than answer the question, she “turns it into rough.”
My brother, I suspect that there is something very serious she’s hiding. Or else why is she refusing to open up? A woman (or anyone) ought to know that genuine love trounces horrible pasts. The real goal of full disclosure is not so that the guy can leave you. Many won’t because their love transcends whatever may have happened in the past. The real goal of full disclosure is to prevent surprises and to build a solid foundation for trust.
A lot of these baggages ought to be sorted during courtship. You ought to go into marriage free from these weights so your marriage can be Eden as God planned it to be.
You can’t be in a serious relationship with someone and not be open to them. Without openness, their can’t be trust. Many don’t like to be open because it breeds vulnerability. But it’s a sense of vulnerability to your partner that makes them feel special in your life which in turn leads them to put you in a special place in their own hearts too. Anyone who qualifies to be your husband-in-waiting ought to be someone who can see your nakedness (figurative) and not be ashamed of you.
Apart from her non-disclosure, she’s still frolicking with her exes. She is manipulative of your innocence and naivity. This will be your own first ever relationship but she already has a Masters degree in this thing. You love her genuinely no doubt but that’s exactly the fact she stands upon to treat you like thrash. She hasn’t picked your call for the past two weeks and it doesn’t break her in any way. Forget it, you’re the only one in love. Two weeks is a long time!
Every evidence therefore shows that this lady is going to be one of the greatest mistakes of your life except for the words of the men of God whom your Parents consulted regarding her.
The will of God in marriage ought to bring you joy and peace. This relationship has brought you depression from start to finish. She hasn’t even picked your calls in two weeks, without any explanation. This lady is full of negatives. Everything about her is shouting negativity. The reality you’ve met in the relationship has therefore contradicted whatever prophetic prognosis you got from the consultant Men of God. You better deal with the reality and stop deceiving yourself.
The spiritual ought to translate into physical reality if it is real. If God declares that you’re healed for instance, you can go to the hospital the following day and confirm it with a scientific test that is emperical. So if God says this lady is right for you as the men of God are claiming, then you should be able to see the manifestation of that rightness in your day to day relationship with her.
Unfortunately what you’ve seen so far is the direct opposite. So don’t deceive yourself. It is your life. If you get it wrong, you’re the one to suffer the consequences.
Ordinarily, outsourcing hearing God about who to marry to some men of God is not a new testament pattern. Unfortunately, it is still very rampant in the Nigerian Church. Your G.O. surely wouldn’t be happy with your parents because he doesn’t encourage that. We ought to learn to hear God for ourselves if we don’t want to enter into confusion.
You ought to be the primary prophet of your own life by the Holy Spirit who lives in you. Whatever conviction you have personally from the Lord is the most reliable and the one likely to stand the test of time through your marriage. The role of elders in the New Testament is to help you check what you’re hearing from the Lord and other facts about the choice process, and provide guidance. They ought not to hijack the hearing from you. Wrong!
So don’t be afraid to go against the words of the men of God regarding this. The margin of error is always wide when you hear God primarily through third parties. The only exception is if the current facts change. Given prevailing facts, I counsel that you run from this relationship and trust God for his good and perfect will.
And please you can’t give up on love just after one trial. That’s cowardly. Some of us did four to five before finding our Rehoboth. Brace yourself up brother for the woman God is bringing your way soon. One who will make you hold daily thanksgiving services in your heart. If you give up now, you will miss her, and that will be too bad.
Peniela E. Akintujoye.
©️Peniela Eniayo, Akintujoye| firstname.lastname@example.org