A covenant brother drew my attention a few weeks ago to a video talk recorded by a sister in Christ on the subject of communication of one’s past to one’s partner. I have transcribed what she said in the video largely and I feel I should share it.
I wish we can have a practical discussion based on what she said. The issues emanating from that discussion will now be thrashed in the next couple of weeks as our final episode regarding, “making courtship count.”
I’m quoting her now…
“A lot of you, you have told your husband everything about you. Today he cannot trust you because there are many men they are not matured in mind.
For what you told them, they use it against you, today the man cannot come out of it. He doesn’t trust his wife because he has entered into the realm of dishonesty. He has entered that realm, he can’t trust you. Anywhere you go to, he’s looking whether you are with another man because of what you told him.
You need to understand the level of that person before you start telling secrets to that person. (You need to be sure) he’s that kind of person that will handle it, that will trust you even when he knows about your past. A lot of men will tell you, “I trust you, I love you for telling me the truth.” Na lie, a time comes they find it difficult, little by little they start suspecting you because of what you do. It’s not as if you’re cheating on him or her…
There are things that people cannot handle, keep it to yourself. The necessary things you can tell them. Not everything you tell a man, not everything you tell a woman even in your household because your husband will continue not to trust you because of what you told him. You told him because you love him, you told him because you want him to trust you but because of he cannot handle it, he is not matured enough, he cannot trust you till today.
There are things that are just meant to die. If it’s necessary, you tell them. The necessary things that you know can cause breakup, you tell them. Know the mind of the person before you tell the person that thing.
Your past is your past. When you were in your relationship, your past is your past. Don’t care about what happened. You’re not dating my past, you’re dating my present, this is what I am. Tell that person, I don’t have a past. I don’t care about your past. Your past is your past. Let me look at the person in the present now.
When a person asks you, “tell me about your past”, tell them my past is my past, old things have passed away, behold I’m a new creation, I don’t have a past. If your past is still in your present and it’s something you need to tell them, tell them because that past is in your present. But if your past has been passed and it doesn’t affect your present, then you don’t need to answer questions.
This is what is breaking homes and marriages. Because you tell that man your past, the man now is “dashing” you while you have changed in your present, he is seeing your past instead of him to be seeing your present.
You don’t need to tell somebody, “In my past, I was a this, I was a that, you know I have… Nooooo. Let him or her see your present that you have changed. You don’t need to tell a person you have changed, let him see action. Show the person that changed part of you. This is the present, let the person see the changed part. What are you taking someone into your past for? That is why you find that marriages are breaking up.
A man cannot trust his wife because of what she told him out of love, out of telling him, “this is what I’ve been through in my past but I’m no more that kind of person.” But the person cannot handle it. He still sees her as a prostitute. He still sees her as a wayward person. She still sees him as a thief because she is in the past. She cannot handle it again. Him or her was expecting to be in your present but you took them to your past. He cannot come out, it’s a realm. It takes the Spirit of God to bring them out of that realm. ”
END OF A LONG QUOTE.
So what do you think? I’ll publish your opinions next week. Share them with us.
1. What are the necessary things that you think must be disclosed? According to her, things that can break up a relationship should be disclosed. What are those things in your own opinion?
2. Is it appropriate for instance for your partner to want to know if you’re a virgin or not? Is it appropriate for them to go further to ask how many men or woman you’ve been in a relationship with or had sexual relationship with?
3. What aspects of your past sexual life do you think does not affect your present or your future and so which doesn’t need to be disclosed according to the speaker?
4. Should this rule of non-disclosure of “unnecessary” things apply to things that happen after you were married or you will advice that everything that happens in your marriage must be fully disclosed?
Let’s have the contributions rolling in. I will appreciate if all contributors can attempt all four questions.
Peniela Eniayo Akintujoye.
©Peniela Eniayo, Akintujoye| email@example.com