There can’t be financial oneness in our relationships without financial openness. How can we know how to administer what we have when we don’t even know exactly what we have? Expectations can be very unreasonable from your partner when your finances is shrouded in secrecy.
I do know that some men deliberately create false impressions of affluence in order to win a woman over. In order not to burst their own bubble, they’ll have to always lie and deceive regarding the true state of their finances. There will be endless fights however because such pretenses cannot last forever. You’ll soon get to the end of the rope. While the woman expects a certain level of purchases to be sustained, the man cannot meet up anymore because he truly cannot afford it. Because she doesn’t know the true state of things, she will consider him stingy and uncaring.
Sincerity and openness is better and more sustainable. Never attempt to create a false impression about your financial state. There are too many good men and women out there who are willing to start with you from the scratch. Why not go for one of such?
From the days of our courtship, we must begin to practice oneness in every area of our future marriage and that includes our finances. This means that from the days of our courtship, we ought to begin to practise financial openness. Your partner ought to know what you earn monthly if you’re salaried. If you’re an entrepreneur, your partner ought to have at least a general idea of your earnings from time to time. This will help them to temper their expectations from time to time. Friends talk about everything. They share about their blessings and their pains equally. Your partner ought to be your best friend.
A stingy soul would want to only share about pains and not blessings. But I don’t know any true love that is not eager to give and give over and over. What financial oneness actually means is that if you have money and your partner doesn’t, because you have, your partner automatically does. Since we believe God is the provider, how could God have sent money to you both but through you and you will hide the information and allow your partner to continue to suffer or even pray despite the fact that God has already come?
As a partner, don’t be controlling. When your partner earns, don’t begin to dictate what the money must be used for in a controlling way just because your finances is supposed to be one. This is especially important when your relationship is still young. A time will come when you can do this and it won’t be misinterpreted by your partner because you’ve grown in oneness, trust in financial matters and submission over time towards each other.
But not at the beginning. You’re just building this oneness. Allow the process to take shape first. Still allow them to lead the initiative about how to spend “their own” money while you contribute your wisdom. Let them be the one to have to tell you by themselves, “it’s not my money any longer, it’s our money.” After you’ve contributed your wisdom from a persuasive rather than controlling standpoint, if you’re in a correct relationship, on their own they’ll say, “sweetheart, how much will you need to take care of some of your own pressing needs?”
Trust is the first thing you need to build actually. After that, you can go full blown into total oneness. The reason several people hide information about their finances is because of lack of trust for their partners regarding expenditure choices. If you’re such a partner that is always quick to bring out a long list of what must be purchased for you or a loan proposal the moment you are informed money came in, you’ll lose the trust of your partner and as a result, secrecy will gradually set in. Let there be times when despite the information a huge money came in, you made no request at all. You will be building trust this way.
Don’t have unbridled appetite for acquisition. Don’t have expensive taste. Let “need” rather than “want” or social pressure dictate your desired purchases. This attitude will make it easier for you to be less demanding which will in turn help financial openness. By the way, have you started reading the books I recommended with your partner? Start with “The Richest Man in Babylon” and then “Money Won’t Make you rich”. These two books alone will teach you frugality as a means of ammasing capital for investment. If you both read even these two books alone, your aversion towards wasteful spending will be similar thereby fostering easy agreement on financial decisions.
Let me close with this story.
I just called her to check on her and then I briefed her about my day including the fact God answered some of our prayers and sent some money. She was so excited and then said, “oya send me money now” (our own relationship is not young and so we can easily say this to each other).
“I could have dear, but you remember that the purchases we made the other day, we took the money from this so and so reserve, this money that has just come is what we will use to replace what we took.”
“Yes, that’s true.” We went excitedly to talk about other things.
This little discussion we just came through unhurt for some couples will lead to a hell of a fight. The woman will interpret the response as rejection and begin to pray, “God, give me my own money so I won’t ever need anything from this man again.” I believe it was easier for us because there are no secrets. There are usual briefings regarding the state of the finances. Everyone knows the balance in all the accounts and how the money came to be. Because of this, there seems to be total understanding. Of course, a previous track record of generosity also played a role. How won’t you be generous towards someone you truly love? I don’t know how that works.
Alright friends, I recommend financial openness to you and your relationship.
We should round up this series in two weeks maximum and then we’ll take our usual annual break. Happy new year to you from all of us at Love Straight Talks.
Peniela Eniayo, Akintujoye.
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