My dear Priscilla, your fiance is right. It’s not yet his obligation to cater for your needs. Both culturally and biblically, he’s not yet responsible for you. If your Parents are still alive, they are the current authority over your life and primarily responsible for you.
But something will happen on your wedding day. Your Dad will bring you into the auditorium holding your hands. When it’s time for the joining, he will hand you over to the Priest who will in turn hand you over to your husband. At that moment, your husband becomes responsible for you primarily. And heaven recognizes it so.
But as I will show later, even after marriage, though he is responsible for you as your leader and head, as touching his financial responsibility, it is not in the manner you’ve been indoctrinated to think about it, especially if you want a biblical marriage. But wait a minute, I’ll get to that.
For now, your fiance’s commitment to you is premised on the love and friendship you share. You don’t need to make a demand. Smart women will just discuss what they need in passing while having a discussion. That’s enough. The man who truly loves you will do everything to reach out to you regarding that need, especially if it is within his capacity just by your mention of it in passing.
But that’s not your issue here. It’s not that he doesn’t give you when you mention your needs to his hearing. Your own point of view is that he ought not to wait until you have a need before he sends you money periodically. You will even prefer if it is on a monthly basis, need or no need. Certainly someone must have sold this idea to you that this is how a man ought to demonstrate his sense of responsibility.
But this is a guy who only earns ten thousand more than what you earn monthly. And he lives in Abuja, a very expensive city to live in compared to Lagos where you live.
Now let me tell you my dear, a financially intelligent man never spends money the way you want your fiance to be spending his money. A financially intelligent man who is looking for every way to save from his income only wants to spend money on NEEDS. The 100% is not even enough to start with. Yet, to build a better future, he needs to save monthly to accumulate capital for investments. The only way to financial freedom is investments. How will he ever get the capital without saving?
Have you yourself ever sent money from your own salary to assist him in the time of his own need? Or it’s only a woman that has needs? Aren’t you called a Help? That’s what God called you. How then are you helping him if you can’t help him with your money when the need arises?
But I know where you’re coming from. You’re coming from all these teachings about the man being the (sole) Provider for the home. The woman can keep her own money and spend it as she likes (or assist him whenever she feels like) while the man slaves around for every need.
Eventhough some popular preachers have preached the above, it is not congruent with the principle of oneness which is the cardinal principle that God laid down in the Bible regarding marriage. The Bible told us that when a man and a woman come together in holy matrimony, they are no more two but one. The implication is that their finances also become one.
If the man earns #80,000 in a month and the wife earns #70,000 like your case, the implication is that the family earns #150,000 in a month. And that’s what they ought to administer together to run the home for that month.
If a man earns far more than his wife, he can ask his wife to use her own income to cater for her personal needs (or any other thing they agree to) while he shoulders the other responsibilities of running the home from his own income. But that doesn’t mean that if he has an emergency need, the wife will not freely release what’s in her hands to him. Even that which is in her hands was put there by God as a HELP to the man.
But think about this scenario. A wife earns #350,000 in a month, while the husband earns #150,000. What happens in such a case? If we follow your own point of view, then the man is still solely responsible for the running of the home and should even send his wife monthly stipends as her allowance for being his wife. Does it make sense when his wife has more capacity to take responsibilities? Or you’ll like to send your husband to an early grave just because he married?
Oneness is the biblical approach to this issue. And I expect that from your courtship, in a little way, you can begin to practice this oneness. In the days of our own courtship, we practiced this. After she started working, whenever she got her salary, if it happened that I was broke at that time, I automatically rejoice because my lack automatically ends. She’ll ask me how much she should send. Sometimes I’ll ask her to send 50% of it or more. In five minutes it’s in my account and I can go and cook a new soup. ??
But she knows that soon enough, money will come in for me too (I have never been a salary earner) and by that time, if she’s already broke, I’ll supply her too. We were not borrowing ourselves money any of the time. So it wasn’t repayment I was doing. I’ll usually supply her in multiples of what she had supplied me because I do have more. I’m saying this just to prove I wasn’t repaying. We just believed we owned the money together. How can I borrow what belongs to me? So her own supply caters for my own necessities when I’m broke and my own supply also caters for her own necessities when she’s broke. This is the biblical pattern!!!
So dear, you need to stop worrying. As long as this man gives whenever he knows about your need, he has a sense of responsibility. On your side, you need to be more accountable to him about how you spend your salary so he can trust your prudence more. No one wants to sacrificially give a scarce resources to an extravagant spender. Then stop making demands. Never you make any demand again. Rather, minister to his needs from your substance when necessary. It will change how he currently perceives you.
This is important because eventhough you think you’re the one worried about marrying him, he’s actually likely more worried about marrying you. The way you’ve gone about this monthly stipend thing has come across as though your relationship with him (and impending marriage) is a poverty alleviation program. He’s wondering if it is really love that is binding both of you together and if he’ll be able to afford the cost of maintaining you in the future.
Turn a new leaf so you won’t drive this man away. The more burdensome his relationship with you is, the more unattractive you’ll be to him for marriage.
For more learning on this subject, go to www.lovestraighttalks.com and search in this order:
1. FINANCIAL AGREEMENT
2. IS MAN THE PROVIDER?
3. THE WOMAN’S CURSE OF SUBSERVIENCE
4. THE MODEL WOMAN
5. FINANCIAL OPENNESS
Peniela E. Akintujoye.