CAN WE CUNNILINGUS? A CONVERSATION BETWEEN SISTER X AND BROTHER PENIELA ON ORAL SEX AMONG CHRISTIAN COUPLES.

(This is a continuation of last week’s discussion, MY WIFE IS TOO INEXPERIENCED IN BED which you can read up here: https://lovestraighttalks.com/spouse-inexperienced-in-bed/)

Sis X:
Some things are not just convenient for us to practice as people called of God. Recently, I have been bothered about even sex practiced within the bounds of marriage. The things I’ve heard are so disgusting and debasing for humans to practice, how much more, sons of God, all in the name of we’re married.

Peniela:
I like to know what scripture teaches about sexual immorality between a man and his wife who are married. That’s a novel topic. Let’s have it. My current understanding is that while parties are free to agree together on what they consider convenient or healthy or both, the Bible didn’t teach bodily restriction between a married couple. Maybe I was wrong. So I like to know from scriptures.

Sister X
I’m waiting for the study too, my brother.
Like I earlier mentioned, some things are not clearly stated as dos and don’ts in the Scriptures, but they can be inferred… 1Corinthians 6:12, has always been helpful to me in matters like this.

Let’s use the instance of Oral sex that’s now trending in marriages (or perhaps it’s been in existence and those involved weren’t bold to teach it or speak about it). What’s the function of the penis and vagina in sexual intercourse? Should the penis or vagina be treated as the lips and breasts during sexual intercourse? Are these parts meant for sucking?

If it’s okay to have oral sex in marriage, shouldn’t anal sex be okay as well?

When did the penis or vagina become a mammary gland and thus for sucking?

These are questions I have asked those who say oral sex should be permitted in marriage or is okay in marriage. I’ve not found the answers.

Maybe I could get answers on this platform.

Peniela:

I cannot find anywhere in the Bible where the Bible suggested any form of bodily restriction between a married couple. Rather we see instruction on complete authority over the other person’s body.

“Husbands and wives should satisfy each other’s [sexual] needs. A wife doesn’t have authority over her own body, but her husband does. In the same way, a husband doesn’t have authority over his own body, but his wife does.
Don’t withhold yourselves from each other unless you agree to do so for a set time to devote yourselves to prayer. 1 Corinthians 7:3-5 GWT.

A wife doesn’t have authority over her own body, but her husband does.

The focus of the bible clearly is the satisfaction of the other’s sexual needs. Whatever the need is.

Message version makes it more interesting.

“The marriage bed must be a place of mutuality – the husband seeking to satisfy his wife, the wife seeking to satisfy her husband. Marriage is not a place to “stand up for your rights.” Marriage is a decision to serve the other, whether in bed or out.”

From the above, the instruction of the Lord to me Peniela is to “seek to satisfy my wife sexually”

The word “seek” already suggests conscious effort, already assumes it may not be convenient. Since this whole thing is all about serving the other person, and marriage is not a place for me to stand up for my rights, I should happily inconvenience myself to ensure I satisfy my wife sexually in obedience to God’s word.

Now, this is the twist, only she can tell me what satisfies her. Only she can guide me towards satisfying her. Though there are general erotic zones in the body of a woman, she has her own peculiarities. She has a way she wants to be ministered to. Her whole body without restriction is the “capital” God has provided for the carrying out of this uphill portfolio investment.

It seems like the parable of the talents, God is not going to interfere with however I choose to administer the capital. But he won’t play with his ROI (Return on Investment)- to satisfy my wife sexually maximally.

If my wife expresses a desire to be ministered to in a particular way, even if I ordinarily find it inconvenient, I should not stand up to my right. I should with the mentality of service and a desire to make the other party happy seek to satisfy her by all means.

She isn’t free to get that satisfaction outside the wedlock, why should I now ignore her legitimate requests? Why should following God by choosing to have a single sexual partner become a disadvantage to her?

Service requires a lot of humility and selflessness. My body is totally for her and hers is totally for me. I am not my own. That’s selflessness.

The mindset of service and selflessness is required for a successful marriage beyond sexual matters. A marriage that lacks this mindset cannot be a success in any area of marital existence.

The word “perversion” means “against what is Orthodox or normal. The question is who dictates what is normal as far as sexual interaction is concerned? Generally, kissing is not considered perversion by all?

It is considered normal. Who legislated its normalcy? Sister X said the penis is not meant to be licked like the lips. Who told us that the lips are meant to be licked? Biologically, the lips are meant to make our speech audible and also to assist us in drinking the liquid. ? Why should it be licked?

The simple answer is that the lips contain a lot of nerve endings. That’s what makes it sensitive and pleasurable when stimulated. The most convenient part of the body to be used to stimulate other persons lips is your own lips.

But there are other erogenous zones in the body (having packs of nerve endings) that can be stimulated with more than one part of the body. An example is a woman’s clitoris. It can be stimulated with the Penis, the fingers, the lips and also the tongue.

Maybe more. So you have many options. Why should use any one of these be regarded “perversion”? It’s your choice. The goal is more important, to satisfy your wife according to 1 Corinthians 7:3.

Besides, it’s established that most women cannot experience orgasm without direct clitoral stimulation. The penis is thus ruled out. If the rule is “only the penis is normal”, how can you use it to directly stimulate the clitoris?

The man’s penis also can be stimulated by more than one means. The real super sensitive part of that powerful joystick is the tip of it called the glans. It contains between 4,000 & 7,000 nerve endings- the clitoris has 8,000 nerve endings. (Twale to the womenfolk. Seems the whole world was made just for them after all)

Now as you can imagine, the penis can be stimulated not just by its thrust rhythmically into the vaginal but through direct stimulation with the hand or lips or mouth or tongue. Maybe the toe too or any other way. The important point is that there are options. Whatever option you choose should be your choice. Shouldn’t be legislated against.

That porn actresses do it doesn’t make its pervert. They kiss too.

Sexual expressions are a lot of natural human instincts rather than the prescribed behavior of a particular group. And the instincts and sexual preferences and sexual tendencies of humans are so much multi-specified that you can’t possibly imagine all of them to be able to legislate against them.

One of the best ways to show love to some people is to gently and lovingly comb their hair. Funny but true. Some want their earlobe kissed and played with probably with the tongue (this tongue again)! Referring to the tongue, the bible itself had once exclaimed: “Behold how great a matter a little fire kindleth.” (James 3:5).

So what’re normal changes with more knowledge and information. Orthodoxy is also not rigid. It changes with time. The generation of our children will probably see women wearing trousers in Nigeria as the Orthodox way of dressing because the culture has changed before they were born. Wasn’t like that when we were born.

The orthodox sexual position for couples used to be the missionary position because most people in the previous generations were missionaries. Humour is intended. That made sex very monotonous. When you think that as a Christian couple you’ll have sex with just one person for the whole of your life, you’ll appreciate why there should be many creative positions for the purpose of spice and fresh excitement.

The only sex the bible called unnatural is men sleeping with men and women sleeping with women. (Romans 1:25-27.) The bible never called unnatural any sexual conduct between opposite sexes.

If you ask me, if the Holy Spirit wanted to legislate sexual boundaries between married couples, this Romans 1 passage was His greatest opportunity because there He addressed “unnatural sexual conduct” and “sexual perversion.”

That He didn’t include anything between couples of the opposite sex should tell us He is not including it. In law world over, one of the cardinal principles of interpretation of statutes is “expressio unius est exclusio alterius” : the express mention of one or more things of a particular class may be regarded as impliedly excluding others (not mentioned).”

You suggested Pastor Y opined that oral sex is not convenient. Well, that can’t be a general position. Something you have a stigma in your mind against can never be convenient.

Some culture eats worms for instance. Because you have a stigma in your mind about eating worms, it can never be convenient for you to eat worms. Doesn’t mean eating worms is not normal. New knowledge, in essence, erases hitherto held stigmas. It happens all the time.

Someone raised an argument that is health-related. My research shows that healthwise, there’s no negativity associated with oral sex that’s not associated with “orthodox” penetrative sex.

Ironically, some studies are showing that oral exposure to a partner's semen appears to decrease a woman's chances for the various immunological disorders that can occur during pregnancy which lead to miscarriages.… Click To Tweet

Just saying, if there are negative health consequences, there are positive health benefits that are springing up in relation to oral sex. Revelation is a continuum.

Opposite the negative views, some people believe that oral sex “is one of the most intimate behaviors that a couple can engage in because it requires total trust and vulnerability.” Janell L. Carroll (2009). Sexuality Now: Embracing Diversity. Cengage Learning. pp. 265–267. ISBN 978-0-495-60274-3. Retrieved August 29, 2013.

Bottom line, the argument for and against the act is both here and there.

Anal sex is considered more unsafe

healthwise if unprotected because of the enormity of bacterias in this region more than other regions and the fact it doesn’t have a natural lubrication system like the vagina. The cavity is also narrow. Damage may, therefore, occur to the anus or the rectum. Without protection and proper artificial lubrication, anal sex is medically unsafe.

The summary of my submissions is that:

1. There are no biblical provisions that legislate bodily restrictions between a married couple of opposing sexes.
2. The goal of God is the satisfying of our partners sexually in the spirit of humility and service by whatever means that is not harmful.
3. Perversion is unnatural sex (homosexuality) according to the bible and not anything between a married couple of opposite sex.
4. Couples should seek to advise on the medical implications of their sexual life. Some people have had a heart attack even during the so-called “orthodox” penetrative sex. Shows their health status was incompatible with the sex of that nature.
5. Couples should agree on whatever they consider convenient even before marriage in the right atmosphere and respect each other’s decision. And if the position of the two parties is completely irreconcilable (in courtship), the couple is strongly advised to part ways before marriage. So issues of this nature are part of what ought to be clarified and agreed upon in courtship.
6. Couples should commit to constantly improving their sexual life through new knowledge and should not be ashamed to change when something hitherto inconvenient becomes convenient due to knowledge.

If I were Funmi Akingbade (Pastor), I would have ended this piece by wishing you a fulfilling-sex-filled life and that in advance to those who are yet to be married.

Next week, I’ll share the 10th reason why you should not have or continue premarital sex. (If this blessed you, please don’t leave until you’ve shared with others).

Your Brother,
Peniela Akintujoye.
You can write to me via:
hello@lovestraighttalks.com