This I am about to share is the greatest reason in my own journey of sexual purity that has kept me from premarital sex or smooch. It is the reason I wouldn’t even as little as accept to kiss my fiancees, past or present. I knew that I would be a minister of God and women are a major object of my calling. I will be surrounded by them. I needed my wife to be able to trust me with them. I couldn’t afford what a wrong foundation here could mean for me and my marriage. It is very profound and I want you to read every line carefully.
The fourth reason why God doesn’t want us to have premarital sex I believe is so we can through our track record of sexual discipline invest an invaluable foundation of trust in our marriages.
It is more likely for my wife to trust my fidelity to her and discipline in sexual matters by a track record of discipline with her in our premarital years. She would remember those premarital days when we were together alone and overwhelmed by desire for each other’s bodies and yet because of our discipline, we walked away deliberately.
She would remember those few occasions when she herself was overtaken by the pressure for sex and she made a direct request for some sexual gratification and I said a capital and emphatic no thereby helping her senses return to factory setting. I will remember those days too when I probably got out of my senses and she was the saving grace who talked sense back into my head which drove me to my knees in repentance for even entertaining the thought. That will breed a solid foundation of trust.
If on the other hand, despite my “man-of-God-ship”, in the days of our courtship, all known Bible instructions and my eloquent skills in bible exposition don’t matter the moment both of us find ourselves in private- even if I compromised because she pressured me, I would have sown a huge seed of distrust which she will later use against me. She will think, “if he could do it with me when we weren’t married clearly against God’s will, what will stop him from doing it outside our wedlock. At least I know that if he is pressured enough, he can easily cave in.”
And so marriage comes with so much distrust. There’s that permanent atmosphere of insecurity, the monitoring of phone calls, the misinterpretation of even innocuous statements. The careful planting of surveillance agents around your spouse so nothing takes you by surprise.
Being in a relationship without trust is not a happy place to be. Trust is a fundamental foundation for any healthy, loving and functional relationship. If you don’t have trust, you won’t believe your partner, even about something small like going for lunch with a friend. You’ll wonder maybe there is something he is not telling you. This will lead to tons of arguments and unhappiness, which will begin to wedge its way between you.
And so you’ll both be seriously unhappy, until at last one of you can’t bear it anymore.
I remember handling a divorce case back in Ado-Ekiti. One of those cases that drove me to tears while I was taking down the story. The man had been sleeping with the woman prior to their marriage. She had lived over 3 months fully in his house before they even started talking about formalizing things. Of course you can imagine what transpired each day of that cohabitation.
Upon their marriage, the man couldn’t trust her. The reason is obvious. He monitored her phone calls, her movement, her everything. There were those harmless responses the woman sent to the permanent secretary she worked with which were misinterpreted by the seed of distrust. There were those genuine traffic delays which were never believed. He would beat her each time almost to the point of death. Wounded her badly on her spinal chord at some point. That was when we had to help them to discontinue the marriage in order to save a life. You people should appreciate we lawyers some more.
Take this from me, whatever you compromise for your fiancé or fiancée will be used against you later on. He or she won’t remember he was the one that pressured you telling you they advised him in the hospital that only sex can cure his ailment. That’s “sakamanje” like my friends will say meaning “scam”. And then note, the more the extent of compromise, the more the window of distrust you create for yourself. If you kissed you create a kissing distrust, if you smooched you create a smooching distrust, if you do more, you create a “more distrust”. So figure it in your head, “what will my partner be convenient I do with another woman, that’s what you should permit between the two of you.
Now, you’ll want to note that trust is always a product of EXPERIENCE. Trust is never donated to anyone or taken away from anyone arbitrarily. It’s what you bestow on someone after he has shown character or lack of it consistently.
You can regain trust by creating a fresh track record of character in your relationship. It will take some time for trust to come back. You have to endure it. Talk to your partner about it and stick to it for a long period and trust is regained. If he or she doesn’t agree with your fresh commitment to please God and also lay good foundations for your marriage, then you’re in a relationship with the child of the devil. Sooner the devil will be a permanent part of your home as your father-in-law.
To my friends who have kept their relationships pure, you don’t know how much valuable investment you’re making for the future. Don’t be intimidated. You’re not alone. And while others will be having high blood pressure due to distrust later in their marriages, you’ll be cruising happily with the wife of your youth.
In the end, following God logically makes sense.
I hope this blessed you?
All my love.
Peniela E. Akintujoye.