An elderly man once told me, “Sex is best when you have no one else to compare the performance of your partner with when you’re married.” Such comparison can lead to dissatisfaction frustration and infidelity.
Now I decided to interrogate a few married people across different age brackets whether this elderly man was right. Some of my respondents are in their 20s, some in their 40s, some in their 50s. Hear what they have to say.
Aduragbemi (married for almost 3 years):
He’s absolutely correct!
“If you marry as a virgin to a virgin, you will definitely be satisfied with whatever your spouse does in bed and how he/she does it plus it will be very easy to improve on your sexuality because you can explore together. Last week, I was at a couple’s program. The host pastor told us a story of a man who didn’t have sex with his wife for 2 years because the wife compared his penis with that of her ex (she said it out of a joke that her ex’s penis was bigger but he took it seriously). Someone who has tasted and enjoyed milo, bournvita and ovaltine will definitely have issues if restricted to just Lipton.”
Olabisi (married for almost 3 years):
I was thinking if I was on the other side where I had tasted sex with someone else before I married maybe I would have given a proper evaluation of how it feels. But here all I know is my Husband and as far as I am concerned we are super satisfied with ourselves in ‘the other room’, because, he is all I know and I am all he knows. Those early days of our marriage, he asked me questions like, “am I ok for you? Am I doing well? I’m sure it’s our ‘knowing season.” But you know, I had no standard to put him on. He was just perfect as far as I was concerned and here we are still being perfect for ourselves.”
Titi (She’s in her late 50s. Was married for 27 years. She married as a virgin but her husband was well advanced in “experience” before their marriage)
“Very, very correct. When the two of them are virgins they will learn together, there will be no basis for comparison. If they need help they can consult books or medical personnel or Christian couples who have a good sexual life. The two people being virgins is the best.”
Faith (married for 3 years):
Yes dear… It’s absolutely true.
The reason some ladies don’t get satisfied with their husband is that other guys have taken them to a particular realm that their husband is not comfortable with and they face this all through their lives and vice versa.
The thing is nothing can be compared to (waiting for) sex after marriage because the two of them travel through a world of experiences in their sexual lives until they get to a point where they are best at it. Other influences such as porn and any other related sexual exposure affect satisfactory sex in marriage.”
Similoluwa (married for 2 years) shared with me that sexual frustration which flows from unmet expectations is a leading cause of incessant quarrels and even transfer of aggression between couples. “Many of the angry men and women you encounter at work and on the streets are probably on this table. Sexual satisfaction in marriage is like oil. You see a man or woman glowing and beaming with smiles, bursting with energy and life….. You know why!”
But where you are marrying as a virgin to a sexually active partner, how do you handle it? Bolanle (in her 40s has the following to share).
“I must also note that some of us Christian sisters compound the problem in marriage when we marry as a virgin to an ‘experienced’ brother…But do you know that dissatisfaction in sex in marriage is not limited to premarital sex? Our desire and drive for sex grow in marriage. While a spouse libido increases, it’s just right for the partner to ‘hype’ his or her game too… Rather than condemning the experienced partner or the novice partner as the case may be, communication should come to play rather than trading blames or infidelity. Yes. And sister too should be teachable! From my experience, both personal and others, Christian sisters often want to be more Catholic than the Pope in the issue of sex! Our ability to be teachable in good things is a virtue!
If you’ve heard of how long it took a brother to disvirgin a “sprikoko” sister, you will be amazed. While preaching no premarital sex, let’s also teach that we Christians couples should stop taking ourselves for granted. I know a 15-year-old marriage that the wife still doesn’t yield to sex. Not ready to visit a doctor in case it’s a medical problem, yet 3 kids have passed through the same woman, no CS! What do you call such a woman? All because she’s revered to have married as a virgin…”
What Bolanle shared above is disturbing. And I hope we will start addressing this pointedly in the church of Jesus Christ? It is great to marry as a virgin and we see clearly that even God celebrates that or else the bible wouldn’t have bothered us with the detail of the virginity of all the patriarchs’ wives- Rachel, Rebecca, Sarah. The bible always boasted about their chastity. But we mustn’t take this to the extreme. Some have now totally developed hatred for sex. A woman the other day was even sermonizing her husband about how being fixated on sex doesn’t portray holiness. I couldn’t believe it. The philosophy of marital sex that many parents handed over to their children is wack. They say something like, “is it not just to have your children and take care of them.” Their idea of marital sex is limited to procreation. What a mess!
Brothers, even though we are keeping ourselves pure until marriage, we shouldn’t be novices. This is the time to prepare actively. Read materials. That doesn’t make you a sinner. You’re only preparing to be the best man for your wife. Sex is holy. Drive that into your subconscious. We must give our sisters the best sex in marriage. We need to reward those sisters for following God and keeping themselves. God forbid that they’ll look back and wish they had explored because of the poor sex you’re offering.
And some of us need to report at the gym to build some stamina. There are some explosive sexual positions that require stamina. I’m reporting shortly. I have issued a holy threat to Iyebiye that she would have missed nothing. I’m coming powerfully with the anointing of the Holy Ghost for sexual performance. Glory to God. I won’t need those herbal mixtures that are marketed with vigor on the streets of Ibadan. Lol. I know some of you use them. “Alomo”, “Senuebo”, “balamour”, “babyoku”, “kerewa”. Get out of here! (Joke only).
I’m informed some top female sex workers who have top clients also gym to be able to give their clients some explosive sex. Those are your potential competitors as a wife. I won’t say more than that.
Women need to understand that sex is very important to men. I mean very important. Sorry, I wanted to say very very important. If you don’t like sex, please don’t marry. I mean if you don’t want it every day. You can’t love marriage and not love sex. That’s a contradiction. Sex was envisioned by God to contain sexual drives which are naturally explosive. “Sexual drives are strong, but marriage is strong enough to contain them and provide for a balanced and fulfilling sexual life in a world of sexual disorder.” 1 Corinthians 7:2 MSG.
And please can we stop taking ourselves for granted all in the name of “he can’t divorce me.” You lie! This hurts me badly. Something you won’t try with a worldly partner. So you treat the other person like thrash, insensitive to their feelings because they fear God? You are not a correct Christian yourself if you do that. Read 1Corinthinas 13:1-4. Do you deny your husband sex for 7 months?! A pastor friend of mine just married a second wife. The first wife made his life miserable for 14 years. She will always ask him, “is it food?” I was initially angry with him. When he sat me down and told me stuffs, I became ambivalent. I asked for a break. I’m not justifying what he did but he has done it. You now see why you should never take your partners for granted because they are born again Christians?
There is no point in a relationship when you must take your partner for granted and become insensitive to their feelings. There is always a choice. And you can push people to a point that they don't even mind going to hell just to show you they can't… Click To Tweet
All the above said notwithstanding, it is without controversy that marital crisis owing to frustrated sexual expectations (which is a leading cause of marital problems) can be reduced drastically when the two parties arrive the table as newborn babes.
Peniela Eniayo, Akintujoye.