MY BATTLE WITH PORNOGRAPHY AND MASTURBATION: CHAPTER FOUR: A SHATTERED LIFE

Pornography had completely taken hold of me. My room gradually had an ambience and aural of sexuality glued to the wall. It was as if there was a spirit and a force in the room that pulled me into opening pornography sites.

I was being affected psychological, socially, financially and spiritually. I was dead but it never affected my teaching in church. In fact, it seemed the grace only increased if I am to call it that way. I was so lost that I couldn’t have normal dreams anymore. My dreams were all full of sex and fornication. I could wake up from such dreams and continue in porn that same night. My mind played back what I fed it in the day. Sexual dreams became a part of my life.

Before I became addicted to pornography and fornication, I was on first class and led my class in CGPA but before the dust could settle, my CGPA had dropped so drastically that I was struggling with 2nd class upper degree.

I had taken up a job as a teacher in a school during the period of strike by ASUU and was expecting to be in school from 7:30-2pm. In a way it gave me some breathing space from the monster of porn that was gradually eating into the fabric of my soul, and spirit.

At work my attention is usually completely divided especially anytime the urge for porn comes up. In such situation, I eagerly waited for when I will close from work and head home to be engaged in porn again. The money I was paid monthly was wasted on data far watching porn.

“Mum, I need money for soup. All my clothes are dirty.” I normally asked my mother for money for my little needs and since I had started working, it was expected that I should be able to take care of the little needs of soup, airtime, cream and all that.

“Your mates who are working are taking care of themselves. You shouldn’t be asking your mother for money for soup anymore,” my Dad replied. My Dad was completely different from my Mum. I could easily ask my Mum for money and she would gladly give without asking questions but my father needed every detail of how the money will be spent before determining if he will release it or not.
“But Dad, I was asking my daughter for money not you”. I was named after my grandfather from my mother’s side and anytime I needed something, I could call her “My daughter” to talk her into accepting to do it.

“Come, what are you using your salary for? Since you started working three (3) months ago, I have not seen anything you have bought.”
“Dad I think the money is mine and I will decide what to do with it.”
“Keep deciding what to do with your money but stop disturbing my wife for money.”
“Dad, please I only asked for N100 nothing big.”
“Joseph, you should be able to afford N100 from your salary without asking your mum”.
“What exactly do you do with your salary?”

I kept quiet but I knew within me that my Dad was right. I was paid enough to afford the minor things that a young person should need but I couldn’t exactly say what I was using the money for. I could spend as much as N500 on data every day and used all that on porn.

For the most part, I just laid on the bed too tired to watch but too weak to stop it. It was as if there was an invisible force that held me to the bed and glued to my phone. I was weak, fed up, tired, dejected and filthy. I felt so dejected and dirty that I eventually developed low self esteem because it wasn’t my social life only that was affected, my academic life was badly hit also.

I could stay at home during lecture period engaged in pornography or fornication with Lara. I needed a Saviour and helper. I needed something more than my strength and I needed something I didn’t even know.

WATCH OUT FOR CHAPTER FIVE NEXT WEEK SUNDAY: “VICTORY AT LAST.”

Your brother,
Peniela Eniayo, Akintujoye.
(On behalf of the narrator, Joseph Ogbuh).

©Peniela Eniayo, Akintujoye| hello@lovestraighttalks.com

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