PEA: We wanted to continue the examination of all other factors affecting women due to premature sexual exposure aside the debilitating consequences of possible addiction we have discussed already.
Dr. Caleb: Libido/experience mismatch is another form of sexual problem that may occur. When one party is well experienced than the other it may be a problem (whether male or female). The more experienced fellow has expectations to meet his/her sexual needs. The inexperienced is naive and in the phase of sexual discovery. This makes it very difficult for the inexperienced to match up the expectation of the experienced and can form the basis for serious sexual disorders. Previous great experiences when they are good set the bar for this naive man/woman to surpass! Previous experiences when they are bad form prototypes that affect expectations.
PEA: Perhaps the more reason why a woman should try and get premarital experience so she can match her man who is likely to be experienced going by available statistics showing greater propensity for sexual activity by men.
Dr. Caleb: Unfortunately not true. Experienced men are often more open to managing the situation better than women because in our society, men may freely discuss sexuality whereas women may not. How do you even measure experience absolutely? The level of experience is not in frequency of sex. Styles, duration, locations, alternative sexual techniques, incorporation of objects, number of participants…. .
There are limitless shades to sexual experiences and that is why even married people keep discovering and reinventing themselves in different ways. Disparity in experience will always be present even if they are both experienced. It is only two totally inexperienced partners (virgins) that are more likely to be equal in level of experience.
PEA: I admit this point but certainly gender equality advocates won’t take this from us because it will mean why men can go all around and mess up the way they want without consequences, we are attributing consequences to the same freedom for the women.
Dr. Caleb: Absolutely because it’s not even that simple. Both sides have the same problem in different shades. I once had a couple-client; husband was naive, wife was experienced. At first attempt, he was anxious and had quick ejaculation (quite common with naive men). She was unsatisfied and expressive about it and he became really anxious. His problem kept getting worse with every experience till it qualified to be described as premature ejaculation. The wife was already considering extramarital affairs.
He suffered that for over 1 year till we met.
Yet I had another couple-client where the husband was the experienced partner. He was hoping and expecting the wife will turn and bend and moan like his experienced partner, unfortunately she didn’t. Rather, he got expressions of pains and repulsion towards sex (which may be usual for naive women), he lost interest in pushing through, preferring rather to return to extramarital affairs. In 6 months of marriage, he has had many partners. So admittedly, it can flow either ways. Such mismatches result in dissatisfaction of one or both partners. Of course it can be fixed but it will require patience, understanding, commitment and sincerity from both partners.
PEA: Based on the aforesaid, the best is that they are both marrying as virgins. Is that what you’re saying?
Dr. Caleb: True. Although virginity has its own challenges (plenty of it too) just that the job is very easy when both partners are on the same page.
PEA: So what are the challenges of virginity?
Dr. Caleb: Naivety can be a big problem
I have become too familiar with the statement, “is it not better to not marry as a virgin” from women especially. People that are inexperienced are likely to have catastrophic sexual experiences. This is particularly horrible for those that fail to seek knowledge. This inexperience level may result in temporary or permanent sexual dysfunction.
PEA: So this class of people are completely unable to satisfy their partners because they are new and haven’t also learnt?
Dr Caleb: Yes.
PEA: You earlier stated that the inexperience level may result in temporary or permanent sexual dysfunction. Like premature ejaculation?
Dr. Caleb: Not just premature ejaculation but also female arousal dysfunction, pain disorders, I even had a case of erectile dysfunction. I have seen couples that turned wedding night to trauma night and ended up with long lasting damage. I want to share series of stories on this soon. But several forms of sexual abnormalities are possible with naive women. Another problem is the pain associated with the first female sexual experience. This is also worse for the ignorant. This pain if not well managed may persist forever in the marriage. So basically virginity on its own is not a problem, it is the process/procedure to end it that may be the problem. Through education and guidance when necessary, the experience can be made significantly hitch free.
PEA: Hmmm, I see. Education and Guidance.
Dr. Caleb: Yes Sir
PEA: At what age do you think a single person ought to begin to seek out this education?
Dr. Caleb: After adolescence every person ought to have some basic level of sex education. But as soon as wedding date is in view, it becomes important to get details especially as the date approaches sir.
PEA: I see. To get clear information and teachings. Powerful. This has been a very powerful session. I believe our community will be so blessed to read all of this. Thank you Dr.
Dr Caleb: You’re welcome.
PEA: The summary is that two inexperienced partners getting married remains the best as far as avoiding the problems associated with libido mismatch is concerned. However, whenever you want to end the virginity, the couple ought to seek *education and *guidance to be able to end it properly so that what could have been a great advantage won’t become a curse.
Peniela E. Akintujoye.
©Peniela Eniayo, Akintujoye| firstname.lastname@example.org