What I want to share with you today is very critical and you will do well to pay close attention to it.
Once, myself and Iyebiye had a very serious quarrel. The most serious so far in our history. I was most pained to the extent I didn”t even like to speak to her. And this went on for close to seven days. For the first three days, I didn’t pick up the calls at all. There were probably fifteen missed calls per day. That was me breaching the “keep talking” rule. (I’m sorry I won’t do that again – I haven’t afterwards). Admittedly however, anytime I’m angry, I didn’t like to speak so I won’t say something I will later regret.
When I picked, the more she explained her reasons, the more I got more angry believing even deeper that they were baseless and then I’ll drop the call abruptly in anger. That went on for another four days. I was too pained. But she wouldn’t give up. She kept calling and sending text messages until she got me to talk. (Remember this principle). I’m actually blessed with a woman who loves peace – can’t do quarrels. That’s my own luck. ?
Summary: we resolved, we chose to forgive after a long resolution process that involved all the principles we’ve shared in the last four weeks. You will like to look back on those principles again.
But there was something else we needed to do. We call it WORD REVIEW. Despite the fact that we tried to ensure that on no occasion must we use hurtful words on each other, there are times that certain things are said in anger without realising them and I have always told you how debris of wrong words can grow to become monstrous with time.
So we spent like three hours reviewing words and statements which could become a root of bitterness one by one. We did it consciously because we didn’t want any root of bitterness to trouble our relationship. Something like, “don’t mind me when I said “you always bring me pain.” That’s not a correct statement. Even now, I can’t count how much joy you have brought into my life since we started this relationship. The pain of the last seven days cannot negate all the good you’ve brought in times past. I should have said you brought me pain in the last seven days and not, “you ALWAYS bring me pain.””
Mention those “goods” of times past one by one so that s/he can believe you. I did that on this occasion. Repeat them severally so that it can make a deep impression. This way you will be able to undo the dangerous statement, “you always bring me pain” which can become a root of bitterness in your relationship. I admonish you to always do a WORD REVIEW after every quarrel. Don’t let those words stick!
Several times, you will see couples who will fight so bitterly on a little matter and you’re wondering, is it this little matter they are fighting about this much? Not exactly Sir. There are several roots of bitterness seemingly buried in the ground fuelling this little quarrel; matters of 25 years ago that appear to have been settled but haven’t been settled. Monstrous statements made 10 years ago which have not been reviewed and have become hunting shadows. Apologies that were never made, secrets that were kept and never revealed and later got discovered. Issues that ought to have been properly trashed but left alone for the sake of “peace”.
Some of these roots will appear silent for years until you’ve built all you want to build and then they spring forth and scatter everything.
“Follow peace with all men, and holiness, without which no man shall see the Lord: Looking diligently lest any man fail of the grace of God; lest any root of bitterness springing up trouble you, and thereby many be defiled; Lest there be any fornicator, or profane person, as Esau, who for one morsel of meat sold his birthright. For ye know how that afterward, when he would have inherited the blessing, he was rejected: for he found no place of repentance, though he sought it carefully with tears.
Hebrews 12:14-17 KJV
Let me bring out what’s relevant for our discussion.
“Follow peace with all men…Look diligently lest any root of bitterness springing up trouble you…”
“Look diligently” means carefully consider, cast your mind back, painstakingly watch out for… Those roots may appear harmless because they are tender now. But they are like seeds, they will grow with time and when you would have thought everything was fine, they will “spring up” and become monstrous and be sure, they will trouble you! Sadly, by that time, like the case of Esau, they may have become too rooted to uproot, “though you seek it carefully with tears.”
It is always cheaper to solve problems on the go than to allow them to pile up and become malignant.
You need to sit down with your partner immediately, do a soul search, make those confessions, tender that apology, review those words used, travel back into your past and dig out every root of bitterness or else they’ll trouble you in the future.
This is the end of the teachings on conflict resolution which itself is a fall out of the teachings on The Synchrony of the Soul which also ends today. Hope it blessed you?
©Peniela Eniayo, Akintujoye| firstname.lastname@example.org