I remember fondly the experience once of participating in a married men’s group at a christian retreat. I wasn’t married but as per advanced bachelor. ?
The anchor of the session was a young, handsome, trendy Professor. He made a very important point that has stuck with me since – how that sex is sweetest after you and your partner have just successfully resolved a quarrel. He told the men firmly, “end it with warm passionate sex. Make sure you have sex. Sex is sweetest at such a time.”
I am very convinced the man was right. Successful conflict resolution often climax in deep emotional bonding. That point after a long disconnection due to a quarrel and then finally you are here to trash the issues. You have discussed the matter back and forth and then you both recognise your faults and genuinely apologise to each other. Next is someone takes the bold step and looks into the other’s eyes and says, “I love you baby. I’m sorry once again.” She looks at his eyes in response…. “I love you more baby, I sincerely apologise for my fault.” By this time your adrenalin, oxytocin and dopamine production increases. Jesus Christ! ?? You just want to cuddle away.
It’s normal. Your souls have really been starved of love for a while. It feels now like you should compensate for the lost time. Get all the arrears of love in one course meal. Those are the times the unmarried desiring the honour of their bodies (and their Master) walk away. Something like, babe can we take a walk?
So maybe couples should quarrel more to get this sweeter, more passionate sex in the wake of reconciliation???.
Quarreling is a huge blessing. It is a disguised knowledge program. It provides a painful process of forced adjustment to your partner. When we fight or disagree, I gain a deeper insight into the personality of my partner: her likes and dislikes; her turn-ons and turn-offs; her mindset and worldviews.
Though one may grow in knowledge about one’s spouse by observation or prior communication, sometimes what you observed didn’t stick to your mind. Mr. Quarrel is a more forceful teacher. He is good at using pain to engrave upon our minds indelible lessons and knowledge-base about our partner. There are things she told you she doesn’t like but which your mind keeps skipping until you had a major fight. Now your mind no longer skips those issues courtesy of the forceful teacher. When you remember the reaction you got the last time, you behave! Gradually, your mind adjusts permanently to this fact.
In essence, the more we quarrel, the more we grow in knowledge about each other and better able to dwell with each other according to knowledge. (1 Peter 3:7).
If we are able to amicably resolve the quarrel, we gradually build with time a custom-made conflict resolution system that we can continue to use in the future. In short, our confidence about the ultimate success of our marriage in the future increases because we are sure of an established healthy conflict resolution system that can take care of any quarrel no matter how serious. Every couple needs a custom-made matured conflict resolution system. (Will share ours with you next week).
After each quarrel that is well managed and resolved, we also bond more deeply. We increase the list of the record of our mutual forgiveness, forbearance and large-heartedness towards each other. We look back on this fondly with deep appreciation for the gift of our partners leaving us a sense of indebtedness to them forever.
WHAT A BLESSING?!
If you change your mindset and recognise that quarrels are a blessing rather than a curse, this will affect your attitude to it going forward.
First, you’ll know it is never a sign your relationship is failing. You’ll therefore be less jittery of quarrels at the expense of growth. Because some of you are afraid to fight, your relationships are not really growing. You’re both living in denial.
I admit however that you will really be afraid of quarrels if you and your partner lack a matured conflict resolution system. (Will share on matured conflict resolution next week).
Secondly, when you do quarrel, there are things you will never say to your partner knowing that the goal of quarrel is knowledge and growth and not to show who is more skillful with the use of hurtful and abusive words. You will no longer see it as an opportunity to test who can do without the other the longest by refusing to call to prove a point. You will no longer see it as a battle of ego.
You’ll be quick to broker reconciliation because you want to catch the knowledge and the concomitant growth process as quickly as possible.
Never quarrel as if you’ll never reconcile again. You both should make a promise to yourselves that no matter the disagreement, you will NEVER use hurtful words on each other. Let it be a law. Since you know you’ll likely still reconcile, why will you say things that reconciliation cannot erase. Apology can be overrated in its potency to propitiate hurtful damaging words. They remain and grow over time to a malignant cancer that eats up the life of your relationship. Better never to say some things.
When you’re angry is when to pick your words one by one and thoughtfully. Fear words! I have seen how words have wrecked beautiful relationships beyond redemption.
“Let your speech be always with grace, seasoned with salt…good to the use of edifying, that it may minister grace unto the hearers.
Col 4:6, Eph 4:29 KJV.
Take note of the word *always*. That you were provoked is no excuse. No matter the situation, gracious words only.
By the way, you words are always an accurate reflection of what’s on your inside because out of the abundance of the heart, the mouth speaks. If your words are therefore dirty and unwholesome, you are dirty and unwholesome. Period!
Thirdly and finally for the purpose of repetition; at the end of every quarrel, never fail to ask yourselves, “So what are we learning from this?” It is when you identify and imbibe the lessons that you really maximised the quarrel.
As you pursue the synchrony of your spirits and souls, there will be several quarrels. Let this guide you to success.
©Peniela Eniayo, Akintujoye| firstname.lastname@example.org