Dear Aquila, I have read through your mail and I will be bold to tell you to call off the plans for the wedding. It is certain that it is not the will of God.
If you make the mistake of going ahead despite how much God has tried to stop you, you will unfortunately have yourself to blame later.
Even those who married with rock-solid assurance of being in God’s will have severally gone through severe trials that threatened the very foundation of it. In your case, the moment her family accepted your family’s kolanut signifying a formal commencement of the wedding process, you lost all your peace and happiness. What other sign are you looking for?
Let me share with you a principle. As you move closer and closer to marriage, your excitement about the idea should increase. I’m not talking about that initial excitement when a relationship is still very young. I’m talking about despite the fact that you’ve subjected the relationship to the test of time; you’ve known yourself through and through but yet as you moot the idea of proceeding to marriage, you burst into excitement in ascending order. That’s the way it should be. If conversely, the thought of marriage scares you and sends you into anticipatory depression, then you already have a prophecy of what your future looks like.
The presence or withdrawal of the peace that passes all understanding concerning any matter is one of the most accurate ways God leads all Christians with enlightened consciences. Don’t trivialise it. The spirit of man is the candle of the Lord… Proverbs 20:27.
The challenge you have is the fear of disappointing your parent and the parent of your fiancée. You’re afraid you’ll break their hearts if you call everything off just few months to the wedding.
But you have to also consider the likely consequences of not breaking their heart. You will be risking your entire future happiness and likely also, the precious calling of God on your life. All of that will be lost on the altar of social correctness. It’s not worth it brother. You’re called into the core five fold ministry of teaching and this lady is not even spiritual at all eventhough you love her from here to the moon and back. She’s a fundamentally flawed proposition for your life and destiny.
Yes, it’s a reality we all always don’t get a perfect specimen of what we need. We always have to take the raw material and work on it. But what we are working on ought not to be too off the mark. How do you feed a lizard to grow into a crocodile?
You won’t be able to fulfil the call of God effectively – that’s if you’re able to fulfil it at all. Marriage is so potent that if it is not peaceful and happy, it can totally immobilise anyone from focusing and achieving his goals.
When you need someone to stand in the place of intercession for you, you won’t find her there because she isn’t spiritual. You will have to bear all your burdens alone. Is that the kind of marriage you desire? Do you think without the investment of prayer of your wife on your life and ministry, you will be able to go really far? You need the intercession of your wife to “deliver” (release into its fullest potentials) your destiny and calling? Are you now choosing to be small in the purpose of God permanently just because you don’t want to momentarily offend your parent? Are they going to be the one to give account to God on the last day concerning your calling and assignment or you?
If someone is currently double-dating while still in a relationship with you, do you genuinely think the person loves you? So on what foundation is this relationship even based? It is neither based on the will or word of God nor true love.
It is a relationship suspended in thin air bereft of any foundation.
Don’t be deceived my brother. Wake up from your slumber. This “love” that you have for this lady is not enough to deliver a successful marriage. Your love alone is not enough. She needs to love and devote to you as much as you do to her if you have a chance of success.
Even where you have two people who love each other fully, love alone isn’t enough to sustain a relationship (marriage). There must be several other indices of compatibility, character, personality, values, passion, love objects etc that must gel together if the marriage will succeed.
In your case you don’t have the foundation of love for your relationship, neither are you both compatible. You are spiritual, she’s not. This is an unequal yoking. The Bible commands us not to have anything to do with it.
If you go ahead with this marriage you are playing with depression.
And depression is destructive. It will shred you into pieces. Turn you into a shadow of your former self. Some people on account of such depression in the past had developed psychiatric problem. The moment that happens, there will be so much of your dreams you can’t pursue anymore. The most important goal at that point will be to ensure you’re properly “managed” away full blown mental instability.
Were you from a spiritual lineage where divorce is condoned, I would still have been worried but maybe less worried. At worst, you’ll divorce her later on if it doesn’t work out as I’m sure it won’t.
But unfortunately for you brother, you are not from such lineage. No one in your denomination will agree with you regarding divorce. Whatever you face, you’ll be admonished to endure it if you don’t want to become an adulterer and miss eternity. She will become the “cross” for you to carry through life. You will want to do everything possible to avoid this.
As per whether she will change after marriage. Brother, marriage never changes anyone. And though some may change due to other factors, it is always never sure. You also don’t have control over it. You aren’t the Holy Spirit. Even the Holy Spirit has to knock on the door of people’s hearts. If they don’t open the door to Him, He has no access.
This is why marriage decisions are to be made based on the fact of the person that is before you and not some wishful thinking about what you hope she’ll become. You shouldn’t marry a promise but a reality.
The right question is, can I live with this woman that is before me (in her current state) for life? Will I be happy in the marriage? If she doesn’t change in anyway, will I be able to cope with her?
To be clearer, a respected elder in the faith once made a statement that has stuck to me for years. He said, “only few wives learn directly from their husbands.”
Several spiritual women find it difficult to learn from their husbands not to now talk of someone whose true conversion is even still questionable.
So if you hope you’re the one that will teach her after marriage to become Christlike, you better wake up from dreamland.
I will advise you speak to your discipler about this and let him guide you. He could even accompany you to see your parents to break the news. Just do it. Avert a lifetime disaster.
Eventhough your Dad may feel disappointed a little, being a man of God himself I believe he would understand why your decision is wise. No matter what your parents won’t abandon you.
The moment you win your parents to your side, they’ll advice on the best way to communicate to the other side.
You see, it’s better you both allow yourselves to go marry your fits. That way each of you can have a happy marriage. Don’t come together in marriage just to come and make each other’s lives miserable when you know you are not compatible.
Releasing her to go is great kindness on your side towards her because she may never find the kind of happiness she wants with you considering the consecration of your own life over the future to God’s work – something she may not really enjoy. Let her go and find happiness elsewhere while you also go find someone that will fit your life and calling perfectly.
You both can later become great family friends and that would be okay.
There may be some dust about the calling off of the marriage plans but be sure the dust will soon settle. The matter is not that serious. It’s not as if you’ve impregnated her or something.
And this is not divorce because you haven’t yet married legally. So “calm down”. Be courageous. Redeem your future from depression and regret. Grace is multiplied unto you in Jesus name. Please let me know as events unfold.
Your brother,
Peniela Eniayo, Akintujoye.
©Peniela Eniayo, Akintujoye| hello@lovestraighttalks.com
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