It was a long day of work for me. Moving from one place to another. The work of a lawyer often involves moving about the whole earth. I was returning home around 8pm extremely exhausted and bitingly hungry.
At this time, my wife was not yet working. And so she was always home from morning till night.
When I entered the house, I met her sleeping. The kitchen was empty. Everywhere was empty. I was so annoyed. I had gone out since morning working hard for us, you’ve been home all through. What have you been doing? What sleep did you need to sleep that shouldn’t be enough before my arrival? These were my thoughts. I never voiced a single word out apart from the pleasantries we exchanged.
The issue is, I was already exhausted myself. And so the idea of cooking from scratch was repulsive. There was no soup or stew or anything at all in the house that I could have easily fixed something to complement.
But in my anger, I thought to myself, all I need to do is go out and buy food. Of course I have to buy for two. The temptation was strong as usual to buy my own and let her sort herself out. I resisted the idea. How will that show love and maturity? How will that reveal the life of Jesus?
If I buy for two, I was going to spend roughly One Thousand Five Hundred Naira or a little less. So I thought to myself, “it means the value of this quarrel I’m trying to avoid tonight is just #1,500. That’s what the quarrel actually cost. Is it worth it to sacrifice peace for just #1,500?
I bought food for two that day and we went to bed in love and harmony.
Since that day, many times, I think about quarrel from the perspective of their naira value. Especially those quarrels that are associated with money or that money can easily solve.
I will value the quarrel in naira terms and often tell myself, it’s not worth it.
The second take away from here is that, though I’ve encouraged all our brothers to sharpen their culinary skills and focus more on cooking for their wives than buying out, when it’s not possible for you to step in, buying out is just fine.
To be continued on Tuesday at 5pm.
Peniela E. Akintujoye.
A MUST READ
Ademola Adeyemi writes,
Hello Sir. I write concerning Episode 35. It takes Grace to do what you did sir. But, I want to be more inquisitive.
Did you later talk about the situation? If it’s for me, I will still call her and discuss it and rather show my dis-satisfaction about the whole saga.
Why exactly will you be at home, all through the day and not do anything but to sleep. Are you sick ni or something? Is it wrong to do that?
No anger, no quarrel….. Just to express my heart.
Beautiful question my dear brother.
The answer is straightforward. We didn’t later talk about it. I just allowed it to slide, since it wasn’t asif it has been happening like that incessantly for a long time.
Non-performance once in a while ought not to bother us so much. We also don’t perform 100% percent at all times in our own assigned duties. If it has however become an habit that is happening concurrently, we may need to talk about it.
In this case, it was not an habit. Just something that happened in the midst of previous days of consecutive performance. So I just allowed it to slide completely without ever talking about it since then.
Now let me say something about what could have been your approach.
Let me quote you verbatim. You would have looked at her and said,
“Babe, why exactly will you be at home all through the day and not do anything but sleep? Are you sick ni or something?”
Note that because you’re angry, you may not even realize that your tone of voice is strong. The fact that you said, “are you sick ni or something” is enough offence for a woman who actually slept because she was tired or uninterested in cooking or worried about other issues.”
She may respond and say, “so just because I couldn’t cook today, is that why you’re shouting? What of all the time I’ve been cooking dutifully? Why not go and cook the food yourself and see how easy it is.”
At this point, what do you think your response will be? You’ll be so angry likely. You’ll feel so insulted. Even if the matter doesn’t go beyond this, the two of you have already quarreled.
And the matter can really go beyond this. Very easily.
The summary is that your approach will almost surely lead to a quarrel eventhough you think you just want to express your heart.
What I did in my humble view, is the best approach. Don’t even say your mind at all because you’ll likely mis-speak. And you can’t guarantee the response you’ll get.
If there is a need to review the issue at all, it’s best to do so much later when the atmosphere is more cordial or at least when you’ve calmed down sufficiently to be less irritable.
I hope this throws more light.
©️Peniela Eniayo, Akintujoye| firstname.lastname@example.org