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How do I deflower my bride without her feeling pain? This was my first goal in laying a good foundation for a fulfilling sexual life. And you know, foundation matters in everything. Even when you get a building right, if the foundation is wrong, you won’t enjoy that building. For me, I was not going to take this important foundation for granted.

Why was it important for her not to feel pain? Long before I married, I had read tonnes of materials that established the fact that a repeated experience of pain can affect a woman’s emotional response to sex, make her lose interest in it altogether. The explanation for this is not difficult to understand.

Anytime we do something pleasurable, experts tell us that a feel-good hormone called dopamine is released in our brain. Now, the brain saves the record of both the action and the pleasure it generated. You will always be able to literally recollect the pleasure you experienced when you carried out the action. Anytime you therefore think about repeating the action, you’re excited because your brain reminds you of the pleasure you experienced the last time.

It works the same way for pain in a reversed order. Both pleasure and pain make permanent impressions on the brain. The brain saves the record of the action and the pain. Anytime the idea of repeating that action comes up, your brain will remind you of the pain, thus making you uninterested in the entire process. No one looks forward to pain. It is repulsive.

The challenge is even after the first night, the pain continues, because the wound of the broken hymen takes weeks to heal. As they continue to have sex, the pain continues to repeat itself. The fact is they may not even be able to have sex at all, as the woman is unable to bear the pain of penetration.

With such repeated experience of pain for the new bride, her brain would have firmly associated the act of sex with pain. Anytime the husband talks about sex, the wife withdraws emotionally. She doesn’t want it. She begins to wonder at the whole hype about sex compared to her experience of excruciating pain. The man in turn would be very frustrated, emotionally drained. New marriage, but everything is already a mess.

For me, I didn’t want the act of sex to be associated with pain in the brain of my wife at all. I couldn’t afford to take the risk. I had no Plan B to this sex life that was about to commence. This was going to be my first woman, and yes, last! We either get it right or get it right!

And so, getting the marriage night right in my opinion is to have a painless deflowering process if the woman is a virgin. If not, a painless intercourse is still important especially for those who have had a long time of abstinence since they gave their lives to Christ. After a long period of abstinence, the vagina can become a little tight again.

Interestingly, I didn’t see any discussion on painless deflowering in all the books on sex I read over the years and very close to the wedding. Until God sent a senior brother who is a gynecologist and sex therapist. He recommended an anesthetic lubricant and counseled I use the finger rather than my organ for the deflowering.

With the benefit of hindsight, I can understand why attempting to bore a hole as big as the size of a penis through the hymen at once can be really excruciatingly painful and difficult. No wonder it took some people three days to get through it.

Our own approach involved a very long foreplay as usual; then, a generous application of the anesthetic lube (Lidocaine BP being the active ingredient) on the entrance of the vagina. The lube is also applied on the index finger. Then a forward and backward movement is gently made of that single finger in an attempt to bore through with it. The moment that succeeded, I continued the forward and backward movement until the single finger was now entering very freely without any inhibition. At that point, I increased the finger to two and continued in the same fashion of inward and outward movement until the space conveniently took two fingers,. Then, I increased the fingers to three. By the time it takes three fingers, a penis will be able to go in without any hinderance.

As it turned out in our case, there was no pain at all. The area was completely numb throughout the process. It was the arrival of blood from the broken hymen that notified us that the breakthrough had fully taken place. That was how seamless it was.

For the next couple of weeks, we had to continue with the anesthetic lube because the wound was still healing. Every attempt to quickly move to a normal lubricant was painful. It took some weeks of uninterrupted use of the anesthetic lube before it was possible to have a painless experience without it.

It is true that with the anesthetic lube, the woman’s sensation will be a lot reduced, but that’s far better than pain. Far far. When the wound heals, she can have her full experience with joy.

A friend of mine said he thinks it’s important for the penis to be the one to touch the blood directly; and that’s why he will like to deflower directly with his organ. That he thinks that’s where the blood covenant lies. Smiles. I told him to pick one between the risk of a painful experience that may turn his wife off for a long time or using his fingers to pick the blood and rubbing it on his organ. No be for the thing to touch the organ?

In my opinion, anything to help your partner not to have a painful record of sex in her brain is worth the investment. The reward you’ll get is that she’ll have a positive attitude towards the act as you go on in your matrimony.

Of course as you can see, virginity is sweet, sexual purity is sweeter. It makes the wedding night more glorious, guilt-free and eventful, especially where both of you are virgins like we were. There’s this beautiful sense of exclusivity that both of you will have about each other. I urge you therefore to guard your purity jealously if you desire a fulfilling sexual relationship when you marry.

Even scientific studies show that people who never had any sex before marriage are most likely to report being in a “very happy” marriage. What this suggests is that having no prior knowledge of sex before marriage would mean greater levels of marital satisfaction.

“Contrary to conventional wisdom, when it comes to sex, less experience is better, at least for the marriage,”W. Bradford Wilcox, a sociologist at the Institute for Family Studies, Utah, tells The Atlantic.

The logic here is this; having had sex with many people, you won’t be able to stop yourself from comparing the new partner to the old ones. “Having more partners prior to marriage makes you critically evaluate your spouse in light of previous partners, both sexually and otherwise,” Wilcox says.

Another researcher says that if sex is taken out of the equation in a relationship, it enables partners have stronger commitment within the relationship.

“They have never been interested in sex without commitment, and once married, they may be more committed to their spouses, and therefore happier,”Andrew Cherlin, a sociologist at Johns Hopkins University, told The Atlantic.

If you’ve lost it, keep yourself from now -not just from sex but other viruses like porn and masturbation. You’ll still reap immense benefits in your sexual relationship with your partner later in marriage for doing this; as your propensity for several sexual disorders (a few of which we’ll still discuss) would have been reduced. If you’ve not lost it, keep it with all diligence. You’ll reap the greatest benefit for doing so.


Your brother,
Peniela E. Akintujoye.

©️Peniela Eniayo, Akintujoye| hello@lovestraighttalks.com


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