My dear Aquila, you want to stop fornicating with your fiancee and make things right with God. What actually captivated me is that you asked me to treat the mail as urgent. It appears that you want to urgently turn a new leaf. There is an urgency in your spirit about a turnaround. This really excites me.
Sin is actually something that a sensible person ought to attach urgency to dealing with. It is settled that a life of willful sinfulness will drown any soul in eternal gloom. Hebrews 10:26-31 confirms this among plethora of other new testament scriptures.
Now, no man knows the day of his death. Several young people who wish to live to be hundred die everyday. Who knows when yours will be?
But even if you will live to be sixty or seventy or eighty, the fact remains that sin is addictive. Why some of us don’t want to indulge in any of its expressions. Whatever sin you allow to master you as from now becomes more and more difficult to break as you grow up; thereby reducing your chances of being found spotless the day death knocks on your door or at His appearing.
How can a Christian finish his race on earth well? By focusing on living every day well; then one day, the day lived well is his last day. Anyone who rather believes in emergency sanctification when death is approaching may be shocked. Not everyone has that privilege of dying after a long notice. Several deaths are sudden, leaving no room for such crash program of sanctification. If you want to end well, the only way to assure that is to focus on living every day in righteousness.
My dear, sexual addiction (or any addiction at all) is something you don’t want to play with. It’s so controlling. It literally hijacks your life from you. It’s like igniting a fire and losing control of it. You will see how the habit is destroying your life but you will have no strength to break out of it. I have seen the struggle of people who try to break one addiction or the other for years without success, despite their earnestness. It’s better not to enter into it at all than to hope to come out thereafter.
The first imperative for you to break out of this life of fornication urgently therefore is that it puts your eternity at risk. And don’t tell me eternity is still far. It’s not. Even if you live long, in maximum sixty years, you will be there or very close. Mind you, the desire of sin that is coming into your life at age twenty is to enslave you and make you addicted to it till the day of your death at sixty-five or eighty. That is the goal.
Of course after you marry, it won’t be fornication any more to sleep with this your fiancee. But let me assure you, (Mr.) Sin who has produced fornication in you before your marriage will change his fruit to adultery after marriage. That’s the way it works.
It is the same attitude of indulgence and lightly esteeming God’s commandments that made you to fornicate with impunity that will make you to have extra marital affairs without blinking your eyelids. A fornicator is always an adulterer in training. In reality, I have not met so many fornicators who didn’t turn out to be adulterers.
You asked me to share with you practical principles of coming out of this bad habit. Before I do, you need to first understand what you stand to lose by continuing in this life of fornication. You stand to lose heaven ultimately. I decided to be blunt.
Even now, you’ve lost heaven in your heart. Everything around you is dry. You’ve not been able to pray for days. Each time you fornicate with this Sister, your prayer life usually scatters. An altar that has taken you several years to build goes down the drain just like that. See how many times you’ve had to begin again. When will you ever become something great in the hands of God with this kind of epileptic Christian life?
I’ve addressed you enough as far as your own personal journey is concerned. Let me now talk about the relationship. Even for the relationship, this foundation of fornication is destructive. It will remain a haunting shadow for the two of you. When you’ll be training your children, your utterance in instructing them in righteousness will be weak.
You won’t be able to correct them sternly when they begin to run after strange flesh, because the failure of your own lives will keep haunting you. There are messages in your church that will ever make you uncomfortable. If you now never confessed it but rather hid it, that’s a good foothold for the devil to thoroughly oppress your marriage.
Worst still, you will never be able to trust each other. Your marriage will be replete with mutual distrust – checking each other’s chats and eavesdropping on every conversation. You will imagine that your wife can easily capitulate to her boss the way she easily capitulates to you in those pre-marriage days. Your imaginations will torment you. She will equally not be able to leave you with her younger niece for a journey. She knows your history of inability to hold yourself at the sight of anything in skirt especially when no third eye is watching.
I’m sure you don’t know the quantum of dislocation lack of trust can bring into a marriage if I paint the bigger picture. If you do, you won’t touch this lady one more day until you marry. You will want to demonstrate self control that she will later be able to vouch for in the remaining years to your marriage.
To my mind, the greatest force that will help you to stop this habit of fornicating with your fiancee is if the consequences of continuance is present in your mind. That’s why I’ve taken my time to share a few with you. When you know how this destroys the future of your marriage, you will fight any possibility of reoccurrence with every strength in you.
If the consequences have been settled in you, the next step is to settle it in your partner. Don’t just tell her you’re stopping. Patiently explain why to her and make her understand it clearly. If she appreciates the destructiveness of what you’re doing in the future you plan to share together, she will also be able to make the same decision at her own level.
You will only be able to abstain going forward if she equally believes in the benefits of your abstinence; or else she will drag you in again and again. The day she is supposed to help your weakness, she will be the one touching your sensitive parts – further making it difficult for you to stand – because she never believed in the whole thing.
Next step is to starve everything that feeds that appetite for sex. Pornography, secular movies and music videos where explicit pictures are constantly promoted, erotic magazines and the likes.
Next is that you must determine to hold all your subsequent meetings no longer behind closed doors. Throw the door and windows wide open to keep you in check. Or you meet in public places where other eyes can see you.
Then, as a must, the two of you must become accountable to someone. I have couples who are accountable to me in this way. They submit purity reports every two weeks. “For the last two weeks, I kept myself completely pure with Priscilla. No kissing, no touching, just pure agape love of God. I look forward to another two weeks of total purity by the help of His grace.” Priscilla is also sending me a similar report.
Look, if you take every other step but refuse to get yourselves accountable to an elder that you both respect, forget it, you will likely sink back into sin. That accountability is very critical, or else I will command you in the name of Jesus to quit this relationship and save your souls.
I personally don’t believe that fornication in a relationship is sufficient reason to cut it off where there is genuine repentance on the side of the parties and they get themselves immediately accountable to forestall a reoccurrence. Without that, it is sufficient reason then.
May the Lord help you to treat these steps as urgent the way you asked me to treat your mail as urgent.
You should read a more comprehensive argument on how premarital sex destroys trust in a previous article which I wrote, titled, “BUILDING A FOUNDATION FOR TRUST.”
If you desire (you should) to read in more details, practical steps to take to help your decision for abstinence going forward, read the three articles below which represent the series we did sometimes ago on this same subject.
1. A FIGHTING CHANCE, HOW TO WIN THE WAR AGAINST SEXUAL LUSTS; PART 1: THE DON’TS OF STAYING SUCCESSFULLY SEXUALLY PURE.
2. A FIGHTING CHANCE, HOW TO WIN THE WAR AGAINST SEXUAL LUSTS, PART 2; LET’S BE OLD SCHOOL.
3. A FIGHTING CHANCE, HOW TO WIN THE WAR AGAINST SEXUAL LUSTS, PART 3: DATING YOUR TYPE.
Peniela Eniayo, Akintujoye.
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©️Peniela Eniayo, Akintujoye| email@example.com
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