Dear Aquila, I’m having to break the important series we are running on Purpose just to attend to your mail because I consider it urgent.
I guess you read the letter I wrote to my wife especially the aspect on sexual harmony. But the parameters with which you’re judging your wife’s sexual interest may not be the same as mine with all humility.
From the details of her schedules which you just rolled out, your wife is being overstretched and I’m not surprised that she’s often too tired for any meaningful bedroom ministry.
You see, long before I got married, I had read enough materials to know that if I wanted a woman that will be available for conjugal sex, I had to invest in every possible infrastructure that could reduce stress, especially if God makes the provision available.
The idea of cooking a fresh soup everyday for instance had been long struck out of my plan. You need to choose between fresh soup and fresh sex. How can a woman cook a fresh soup every day and she won’t be used up? I have been a full time cook for myself for years and I know the kind of stress involved in going to market every two days and cooking a fresh soup every single day.
You need a new strategy. Cook for the month!!! Go to the market once in a month and purchase all you need for the month. Cook different soups and store them up in the Freezer. Whenever you need to eat, all she will have to do is unfreeze a little portion manually or with the aid of a microwave and in minutes the soup is ready. What she’ll need to cook fresh is the rice or Semo or Amala and that isn’t so stressful to do daily. So sir, you need to buy a Freezer and a microwave.
And then for me, there’s nothing like, “I can’t eat a single food twice.” Why not? Didn’t we eat it like that back in the University or even as a bachelor? Or else, she will be unfreezing three times a day. That’s stress again coming in through the backdoor. If you understand the importance of sexual harmony in a marriage, then you’ll not blink your eyes regarding any of these sacrifices. You do assist in the kitchen from time to time as occasion demands. That’s a good culture to maintain.
And then sir, you need to get a washing machine. From what you told me, you can afford it. Washing baby, Daddy and Mummy’s clothes is a lot of stress. If you can’t yet afford it, fine. But you clearly can.
Now sir, the other critical stressor in your home is church activities. The activities are just too much. It’s only a day out of the week that is free. Every other day, there is one church activity or the other that spans minimum three hours.
So often, after the day’s tiring work, she retires to church for a service that will span between 2 to 3 hours – up to six out of seven days in a week. You’re getting home at 8pm or 9pm and she’s rushing to go fix a fresh soup while she also attends to the peculiar needs of your daughter. Then, by 11pm, you’re talking about sex. How can it work?
On top of that, there is a vigil every week. And once a month, the vigil is a 7 hour marathon!!!
These activities are too much. It looks spiritual to be occupied in so many church activities but they don’t necessarily make you close to God. Personal communion is more essential to spiritual depth and intimacy with the Lord than corporate worship. I don’t think this crowded church schedule leaves room for your own personal communion with God.
You actually don’t benefit much in a corporate meeting when you haven’t had a solid personal communion with God that day. Check it. When you realise you haven’t had a personal time with God in a day, it’s actually more beneficial for your spiritual growth, to convert the time of corporate worship for personal communion. The best though is to ensure none affects the other.
But when church activities are getting too much, you decide on the ones that are most beneficial to your life and happily miss out on the rest. In this your case, the church schedules are just too much.
Now you don’t want to offend your Pastors who are marking attendance but your marriage is suffering. Between your marriage and church service, which comes first? Your marriage of course. Or else Paul would not have taught that to qualify to be a Bishop, you must have been able to rule your home well.
It means that if you’re married, your home is the qualifying parameter for whatever ministry you hope to carry out for God. You can’t be in constant disharmony with your wife because of this issue and be holding microphone in church thinking you’re doing any serious ministry. You are not qualified. If you cannot rule your own house well, the Bible says you aren’t qualified for spiritual leadership. See 1 Tim 3:1-13.
So really, you have to get your priorities right. The other option is for you to tone down your sexual appetite. If you insist on maintaining this church schedule, then once or twice a week should be enough for you except of course you want to kill this woman or turn your marriage into a perpetual battleground.
So I’m recommending two approaches to solving your problem. Invest in infrastructure and tone down the church activities. That’s if you want to achieve a frequent sexual life with your wife. The other option is to maintain the status quo and tone down your appetite.
I can see that the focus of your expenditure has been investing in your business or else you make enough money to have put some of these basic infrastructure in place. Your focus is good but I hope that you would not have lost too much peace in your marriage by the time the investment will yield in which case you won’t have a home where you can truly enjoy the fruit of your labour. Does it then worth it?
I advise you balance it. As you invest in the business, use some money to provide infrastructure to support your wife. Buy them one by one as the money comes. You’ll be amazed how far you’ll go in six months. Begin with a Freezer and a generator that can power it if there is power failure beyond 3 days. And by the way, you can still do fairly-used for some of these items to save cost. Some of them are solid they can still serve you for the next five to six years.
God will always provide money for whatever you consider very very needed for a more stable matrimony. He did that for me. Within just six months, the entire house was filled up even to my own surprise. When I picked the calculator. I couldn’t believe the figure. Over five thousand dollars in today’s exchange had been spent.
But if I didn’t consider those infrastructure critical for a more stable marriage, I could have used the money for other things e.g to throw a very big wedding. I would have been a foolish Galatian like some people have been in the past.
When I had spent that much to fix infrastructure that won’t allow my wife to be saying, “I’m tired” all the time, I was now looking for where to get a fifteen thousand naira suit and “akube” shoes for the wedding. Do you know what they call “akube” sir??? Fairly used for short?. So it’s not about having money. It’s about priority.
Go and do the needful brother. Grace and Peace be multiplied unto you.
Peniela Eniayo, Akintujoye.
©Peniela Eniayo, Akintujoye| email@example.com