Dear Priscilla, to be frank there are men like that. The moment you begin to give them sex, they just fall in love with you totally to the exclusion of all others. But of course it would mean they love other aspects of you – your personality and character – can’t be just the sex alone. Now your personality and character plus the good sex seals everything. They just stay put. Like Mario, their song is, “I die here.” I’m quite serious. There are men like that.
But unfortunately such men are perhaps one out of ten. Of course I’m discussing your type of man who says, “I can’t date without sex,” and not the truly spiritual brothers that I know who will rather die than moot such idea. So let’s just talk about your type of man. You get it?
The other nine out of ten men of the type of this your man can’t be retained just by the fact you gave sex. Let me begin to categorise them so you understand.
There are the Amnonites. They are of the descendant of Mr. Amnon. The guy was notorious for being madly in love with her half sister Tamar so much he couldn’t eat for days. Everyone thought it was true love but it turned out it was all about getting down below. Apparently he really wasn’t in love with the girl. He just wanted her hymen. She was a virgin. The moment he got it (by force), he hated her more than he had ever “loved” her. 2 Samuel 13:1-19. If this guy is from this tribe, you can fill in the gap. You will only keep wind after he’s long gone. Of course you’ll regret giving him because you would have lost two things, your virtue (maybe your relationship with God too) and the relationship that you thought you were trying to keep itself.
Then there are the Gadites. These men are notorious for conquest. They never like chasing any prey that appears a low hanging fruit. They enjoy the adventure of the chase. They can labour as long as you can imagine and endure all manner of indignities just to catch a woman. The catching is actually the sex which in their own psyche is conquest. The moment they get it, they consider you conquered. Immediately you are devalued. You’ll just realise that the dynamics of the relationship immediately changes. The “chasee” suddenly becomes the chaser.
There’ll be no more early morning calls and late night texts. All those superlative descriptive you were used to during the chase becomes history. You will crave for love, you won’t get it. Unfortunately for you as a woman, sex is a very private thing. Something you hardly give to someone you have not first given your heart to. You will actually desire more love after the sex to cover the nakedness of that deep exposure but unfortunately you’ll get withdrawal. It can be such a terrible place to be. It’s will feel like being abandoned in the middle of a lonely road in the dead of the night.
Then there are those I call the Solomonites. Those ones are congenitally poly-amorus. No matter how good you are in bed or how much sex you give, they love varieties. “How can someone be sleeping with just one woman? It will be too monotonous.” They love to have a taste of all the varieties on a progressive basis – fat, semi-fat, “lepa-sandy”, heavy duty double decker, small duty, light complexioned, dark, chocolate etc. So you think sex will keep such a man with you? You must be joking. Not even marriage can!!!
I’m not saying don’t give this guy sex, I’m just letting you know there is no assurance giving him sex will keep him. You will be taking a risk. But well, life is all about taking risks. You may turn out lucky. I just hope you’re prepared for the heavy load of guilt that will attend your heart the moment the sex commences. You will lose your peace and walk with God surely. Or do you think it’s going to be a one off? Not at all. Sin never comes to you as a one off. The goal of any sin that entices you is to permanently enslave you.
But wait, I thought you said you’ve been praying and making confessions about your man for the past two years of your waiting. Please, do you mean this guy is the answer to your prayers or maybe I’m missing something? I’m sure a man that God sends to you won’t come and vomit that gibberish, “I can’t date without sex.”
I think this is a case of you grabbing what has come without checking if that’s what the Lord promised to send. But certainly you know God could not have sent to you this kind of man. You’re already so tired of waiting for God eventhough you’re only 24. Don’t be so eager to grab an Ishmael when God intends to give you an Isaac. Wait for God. They that wait for Him are never put to shame.
You’re afraid you may end up like one of those old single sisters you see around you. “Maybe they ended up single because of all these righteous no premarital sex thing.” The devil has really deceived you. Is there any of them who said that to you that they are single because they followed God’s will? I doubt it. “I was young and now I am old, yet I have never seen the righteous forsaken…” Psalm 37:25.
The real truth is that standing for God when it is not convenient attracts God’s commitment to you. And when God is committed to you, even before you call, He has answered you. And be sure, God has got a lot of solid, tested and trusted brothers at His disposal. He is the Lord. Even if no such brother exists, He can command stones in their stead. Remember the three Hebrew brothers, when they stood for God at the risk of their lives, it only attracted a fourth man- one whose figure is like unto the son of God- into that fire. God never abandons those who stand for Him.
The problem is you yourself haven’t been standing for God fully; you still waver a lot; that’s why you haven’t been able to sustain His commitment. God never rewards average seekers. No one can attract God who has not sought Him with all his heart and devoted his life to him absolutely.
I know most of your friends who are now married had sex throughout their premarital relationship and you’re wondering, “but they are happily married.” Well, they aren’t Christian examples worthy of emulation. You can choose to do your own right. You and your friends are not running the same race dear. Your destinies in God are different. God’s dealings with every man is personal. When you go to a market, it is the person that is selling to you that you face and not the noise of the market. It is God you’re dealing with, can you face Him and ignore what’s going on with other marketers? On the judgement day, it won’t also be a group accountability system, everyone will face God personally.
Is it all about getting married by hook or crook or doing the will of God? What’s the quality of marriage that your friends are having? Marriages founded on fornication and immorality? Those are shameful foundations save for those who have repented and retraced their steps. Some of them were on fire years back, it was this same marriage you’re touting that drained all of God left in them. Is that what you envy? If you know the value of possessing God, you will be glad to let anything and everything go that can take Him out of your life.
Many of the marriages you’re touting are built on the sand of distrust and guilt that will collapse with a little wind. You better calm down and seek a relationship with foundation, whose builder and maker is God.
While it’s good to want to marry, you also don’t want to marry for marrying sake. You want to be happily married. You don’t want to go into a useless marriage that will lead you to hell fire. Marriage can be that potent because of the powerful influence of our spouses over us. If he himself has no heaven to go, he will likely influence you towards his direction.
So get it: it’s not all about marrying. What’s more important is marrying right. It is actually better to be single your whole life, happy and in the will of God than to go into an abusive, ungodly relationship. Think about eternity and you’ll see the point I’m making.
Since you asked, I will answer you emphatically; there are still men who won’t pressure you into fornication. The only thing is they come from the Lord. God has plenty of them in His quiver. Even if there isn’t anyone of them around you, God can draw one from a far country just so that His counsel may stand. It takes Him nothing to do that. You don’t have to be strategically positioning yourself anywhere. God is a veteran with these things. Even if you’re inside a hole, the man will find you there if he was sent from the Lord.
I will advise you immediately take three steps.
1. Discontinue the relationship with this guy and wait for the man God is sending.
2. Deepen your spiritual life and walk with God so your life can attract God’s special commitment.
3. Discover God’s purpose for your life and start doing it. If you aren’t yet clear about your purpose in life, that’s the very urgent thing to attend to now. Discovering and doing your purpose makes you magnetise solid men who love God dearly and are devoted to His kingdom. Purpose is attractive. Take it from me. Can we focus on that now while God gets busy preparing your man?
4. While you get busy with Kingdom work, engage God like I counselled few weeks ago when I wrote, “I’M TIRED OF WAITING FOR A GODLY MAN.” Check for the article on the page or go to www.lovestraighttalks.com to search it out.
May the Lord keep your feet from falling.
Peniela Eniayo, Akintujoye.©
Peniela Eniayo, Akintujoye| firstname.lastname@example.org