A beloved sister wrote me once and asked, “how do I identify my soulmate.” She obviously thinks that there is one ready made partner somewhere that has the keys to all her padlocks. Someone she’ll probably fall in love with at first sight and everything thereafter will just gel. This will probably be someone she has met and has bonded with in the pre-conscious world- probably the world of forms according to the Greek Philosopher, Plato (420s-340s BCE). Fate now unites the duo again in this second life.
While I admit that there are people that you meet and connect with much more easily usually because of the provinciality of your upbringings, cultural outlook, worldviews and life passions, these facts in themselves alone do not make you soul mate with anyone. By the time you move close, you will still find a world of difference between you two. Yes you’ll see many things that gel but certainly several others that do not.
The components that make up the personality of any of us is so complex and variegated that it is near impossible for you to find someone who shares exactly the same make up as yours. That is why having a soul mate in your partner is not like the gift of righteousness that is donated to you by the sacrifice of another. It is a reward of your own labour. A reward of years of inconvenient and sacrificial adjustment to your partner and vice versa. A reward of several elongated arguments and fights that ultimately shift our mind to one another. And this is why quarrelling can be a blessing. How else will you know the likes and dislikes of your partner? Most of us will not shift in the ‘spirit of our mind’ to be in the same frequency with our spouse until we have had some earthquaking quarrels that shake us to the core of our being.
Becoming soul mate with our partner is a reward of dropping several of our own cherished ideas or love objects where necessary and adopting that of our partner so that we can have one love and our heart can beat in the same direction.
You remember that the soul comprises of three major departments- your intellect (mind), emotions and your will. Becoming soul mate with anyone requires that you alter your mind, your emotions and your will in the direction of your partner’s mind, emotion and will until the two sets of mind, emotion and will become one. We will delve into each one of these in details in the coming weeks. Today is simply general introduction.
When your minds start to become one, oh Jesus, you will enjoy it. You will have less and less arguments because gradually, you’ll begin to see issues the same way. Your thoughts will gradually become one. It is not unlikely that you are about to say something and your partner at the same time says the same thing and you’re like, that’s exactly what I wanted to say.” Waoh, so sweet. There’s something this does to your love for each other. It’s difficult to describe. It’s a sense of affinity. A sense of, “we are lost into one another”. A sense of, “this is just the person meant for me.” A time comes when you can’t wait to just be on that call with him or get back home to share what transpired during the day because you’re sure that though others won’t understand or agree with you, he will agree with you because he can see what you’re seeing.
When your emotions become one, the things that make you emotional will be shared. Your passions become one. You’ll become his closest ally in all that turns him on. Vice versa. And you know there’s this special way you can’t help loving those who love what you love. You just love them.
When your will become one, your desires, your taste and core values will be similar. So decision making becomes far more easier. As it becomes necessary, you will be willing and happy to submit to one another.
Achieving oneness across these levels is not an overnight job. Maybe you should be patient with your partner. And maybe you should not be too quick to say your relationship isn’t working. But of course you must be sure you know exactly the principles that will take you to where you want to be and you’re engaging them. If you’re using the wrong approach, you will never get there no matter the number of years you’ve been together. Make sure you follow the lessons carefully in the coming week and if possible, invite your partner here so you both can be on the same page.
The important thing is that no serious couple who desires enjoyable marriage glosses over the synchrony of their souls. It is when you have worked this out that the two of you can truly be friends and best of friends. That’s when you’ll truly love to spend time with each other. That’s when you’ll really be inseparable. And be sure that a large chunk of marriage is consumed by friendship. Sex plays its role but the most critical thing in a marriage relationship is the friendship between a man and his wife.
Please note finally that you can’t judge yourself as being a soul mate with someone simply by the fact of your sexual intimacy. A relationship that is a product of anticipated benefit is not founded on true love. That’s the kind of love Amnon had for Tamar. After that guy bursted her cherry, he hated her more than he had ever loved her. (2 Samuel 13:1-18)
Whenever love depends on some selfish end (power, money, sex), when the end passes away, the love passes away. That’s why some of your boyfriends left the day you announced, “no more sex.” Guys have lost their so called soulmate girlfriends or even wives after suffering a misfortune in business. The whole relationship was founded on selfish love- for better for best.
The truest test that you’re growing as soul mate with your partner is that even if all benefits are withdrawn, you guys remain inseparable.
For those of you who have sexually active premarital relationships, the question you need to ask yourself is this: if this guy or lady was of the same gender with me, are we going to be best of friends, are we going to always want to be with each other? Will we be inseparable? You can’t be sure your love for each other is true as long as sex and other pecuniary benefits have not been expunged from the relationship. As we speak, you may not yet be able to correctly judge if you’ve really built a strong bond of friendship. Sex always precipitates a false sense of intimacy.
Do you ever want to be in a marriage where your partner does everything to reduce the amount of time you guys have to be together; stay away with their “friends” until late in the night daily? If no, then you need to pay attention to the synchrony of your souls so you can be “the friend.”
Alright, dearly beloved, welcome to this series- the synchrony of your souls. Let’s company together in the coming weeks as the Lord instructs us together.
Peniela Eniayo, AKINTUJOYE.
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