A beloved sister, an adult in her early twenties who I have the privilege of looking over for the Lord was invited by a guy she had met at her new place of work. He invited her over to his house on a Sunday. He said there was an important discussion he wanted both of them to have.
She was already dressed and on her way to his house. But based on the agreement of discipleship between us, she was going to carry me along regarding every such decision in her life so I could provide guidance. On her way therefore, she branched my house to inform me of this new guy and her trip. The moment she told me, I got the code. I’m a guy and though I’m not a worldly guy, I relate with many of them and so I know the usual strategy.
The strategy is bring her to your territory, an unfamiliar territory. When she comes, initiate sex and make sure you sleep with her with her consent or by force. If you ladies didn’t know before, I’m now telling you plainly. I know guys who brag that no girl can come to their house and go without sex. This means these guys rape as a culture. Not few guys have this philosophy. Unconverted men of course. But they are the majority of guys you find around.
Unfortunately, with the rampancy of pornography and the false realities it promotes, several men believe that women enjoy rape or other form of forceful or violent sex. Therefore for these kind of guys, your no means yes. Several of you have fallen victim of these beasts. Those of you who could be said to have consented did so because by their forceful initiation of sex and with its accompanying unsolicited touching and caressing and their continuance despite your repeated NO, you were overpowered by your emotions at a point; it wasn’t that when you left your house, you planned to go and lose your virginity to the guy.
Can women please wise up regarding this matter? It pains my heart the kind of abuse our women suffer – but you know many can be prevented.
I told my disciple not to go. I told her what the guy is likely planning. What is this important discussion that has to take place in his house? You don’t know this guy before, you don’t know who he is. The house you’re going, you don’t even know whether it’s a den of kidnappers. You’re going to an unfamiliar territory. The risk is too much on your side. Call him and ask that you meet at a well known neighbouring restaurant. When she told him, the guy was offended. By the following Monday, the guy stopped talking to her till she left the job (for other reasons) a few weeks later.
While we were growing up, there were these old-time rules we came across. I knew them through my parents; my first disciplers. They told us as guys never to be alone behind closed doors with a lady not being our biological sisters. So as a rule of thumb, anytime a lady comes visiting, you either meet in the living room or in your room with the door opened wide.
They told the sisters never to visit a brother (even a christian brother – what will you be visiting a worldly guy for?) especially that they were meeting for the first time alone. You were to find another sister or brother to go with you if you must go at all. The same rule applies even if you’ve known the brother for long. The reasoning is barring extraterrestrial influence, it will be difficult for you and the guy to go wild while your friend remains on the seat.
Those who are in relationships were advised to avoid solitude in the same way. Have your meetings on open fields or some other places where there are some third parties around to keep you in check. If you must meet in a room, have a third party around or keep the doors open.
My mum shared with us how that on an occasion she was to go visiting Dad while the two of them were still in courtship. As she informed her friends, the first thing they asked her was, “hope you’re not planning to sleep over in his house?” She confirmed an arrangement had been made for her to put up with a sister in the fellowship. So sleeping over on the same bed (or even the same room) with your fiance or fiancée was strongly advised against. In our generation, all of these checks don’t matter to us any more.
These were the old school rules which our own generation considers unreasonable. The purity statistics, however, proves that these rules are safe guides towards having a fighting chance to stay successfully sexually pure. I have had to handle many cases of, “we were just casual friends, he invited me over to his house, we were alone in the room, we started the discussion on some other light subjects when the discussion gradually drifted to some stuff more fascinating and intimate, he moved close to me at some point, held my hands, lowered his neck slightly and moved his lips close to mine in some slow broken motions as he gave me a deep romantic gaze that screamed, “I’m hungry for you”, I couldn’t resist him. I thought I would be able to. I thought I was strong, I didn’t know how I capitulated. We began to kiss. One thing led to another in a hurry and then ultimately, the ark of the covenant was broken.”
Mind you again, there are too many movies (songs too) all around that condition your mind to always think sex at the slightest solitude with the opposite sex. The playwrights being worldly people cannot fathom the possibility of solitude with the opposite sex and correctness. So they depict in their movies each time the last third party leaves two people of the opposite sex alone, the first thing these two people want to do is sex. This conditions your mind. It makes sex look to you as one powerful irresistible thing whenever you’re alone with a woman.
There was this song back then by a popular Nigerian hip-hop artiste DAGRIN: “mummy mi o si nile, Daddy mi o si nile, wa gba kondo o.” The song simply says, “my Dad and Mum aren’t around, I’m the only one around; come over to my house and collect sex.” That you’re alone in your house doesn’t mean sex must happen if a woman visits. This is pure mind conditioning. That’s why the quest for sexual purity and the consumption of these worldly materials are dialectically opposed to one another.
Barring the weakness of your “Sexual Immorality infection-fighting cell” due to continuous exposure to wrong pictures and the sort of conditioning described above, it will amaze you that it is well possible for you to be locked up in the room with a woman for two weeks and she comes out untouched. You will say it’s not possible because you think everyone is a weakling like you. And I don’t say what I do not know. All I’m trying to do is to demystify the power of sexual appeal. The thing is not that powerful if you’ve not yourself internally weakened your resistance capacity over the years and since you’ve refused to reach out for the grace of Christ that makes practical holiness easy.
But maybe our women should ignore what I’ve said about the capacity of men to resist sexual impulses. Maybe you should just convince yourself that 99.9% of men especially (maybe women too) cannot handle solitude with the opposite sex. So treat everyone this way including your current partner.
Maybe we should return to the old pathways. Maybe they are safe guides. I doubt if the dynamics of the chemical reactions between a man and a woman have ever been generation sensitive. From the time when Amnon raped Tamar (2 Samuel 13) his half-sister thousands of years ago, nothing has really changed. Note that the rape in that case also followed the principle of wild desires coupled with solitude.
So really these ancient safeguards aren’t supposed to be described as old school as long as the dynamics of chemical reactions remain the same between opposite sexes from the days of Adam to date.
A good summary of the talk is: (I) do not be ignorant of the devices of unconverted men (ii) Maintain “social distancing” with even your courtship partners. (iii) Have a mentor you’re accountable to in your relationship, attempted relationships and sexual purity quest generally. With these, you would so greatly increase your fighting chance in this raging battle against sexual immoralities. In other words, can we please be old school?