Dear Priscilla, I will tell you a story which really changed my approach to mentoring any sister regarding the first Yes towards a relationship. And this is one of the reasons I keep insisting it’s important for you to ascertain the conversion of anyone you’re considering for a relationship. If he claims to have a past but has become a new creation, you must ask him pointedly when he became a new creation.
“Sir, when exactly did you bid farewell to the life of sin and willful disobedience to the word of God? How long ago was it? Have you remained converted ever since or you visit the so-called past periodically?” Asking this kind of question may appear confrontational but please suffer it to be so. Relationship is potent. It alters your destiny indelibly.
So this Sister had approached me for personal discipleship. She had been blessed through following my writings and so she wanted something deeper and personal. We began the relationship. After some time, she spoke to me about this brother. As is usually the case, the decision had been made. I was simply informed about the decision and I decided to flow along presuming that she had done her normal due diligence before returning a Yes.
I was so committed to their relationship that I agreed to personally walk the two of them through the rudiments of a successful marriage of two lives; and what their Courtship ought to be invested to achieve if this vision of a lasting and fulfilling matrimony will become a reality. We met four hours every month for more than seven months at great cost to me (and to them) dealing with these issues.
So when I later learnt that the relationship collapsed, I was pained. They had fixed their wedding and we were already looking forward to it. Another lady just appeared from nowhere with twins who looked so much like the brother there was no need to question who their father was. She was never told another lady existed not to talk of conceiving. Judging by the age of the children, I was able to confirm that the brother must have impregnated the other lady close to the same time he was asking this our sister for a relationship.
When Priscilla finally opened up to me, I had so many questions to ask her. When you were going to say yes to this brother, what questions did you ask him regarding his walk with Christ? Didn’t you say he is born again? “Well he told me he wasn’t a virgin but he’s now born again.” But did you ask him precisely when he stopped fornicating to confirm whether enough time has passed to proof the possibility of a new life indeed?
If I were a sister, I won’t gloss over these issues. “So during that your last relationship, did you keep yourself pure with the lady?”
“No, we had sex.”
“Was it just a one time affair or progressive stuff.”
“It was progressive.”
“So at what point exactly did you become a new creature?”
The pain for me is that Priscilla wasted three solid years with this brother. Think about the time invested, emotions, money, and soul. All wasted! Sadly, she also compromised her stand with him a few occasions. I was so heartbroken. I wished I had been more stubborn to insist she asked all the uncomfortable questions before that first Yes went out. Again, it was merely a narrow escape for her. Just imagine that the other lady had showed up after their marriage!
So dear Priscilla, I have only shared this story to further drive home the point I made last week. Be sure you’re indeed with someone who’s a new creation. Don’t gloss over issues. Don’t be too afraid to probe indepth in order to discover the answer to this question. If he’s not comfortable with your probe, that’s itself a red flag and it’s okay for him to go. Don’t let him tell you, “Oh you’re digging into my past.” Yes of course. You should dig into it because whatever it is is yours to inherit for the rest of your life.
Look before you leap Priscilla!
Peniela Eniayo, Akintujoye