Dear husband, above all that you’ll find quite worrisome about your woman is her tendency to employ poetic license whenever she speaks about her worries and frustrations. I need to tell you ahead of time so that you won’t allow this to take away the peace of your home. When you know what it is, your response I believe will be different.
You need to first note that she has an emotional cycle that is like a wave. It rises and falls periodically so that it can be often unpredictable. Today she’ll all happy and outgoing, tomorrow she’s completely unexcited, discouraged, overwhelmed by all her challenges and appearing to blame you for everything.
The emotional cycle follows a pattern of boom and burst. During the boom time, she’s all happy and excited; it is during the burst season that she’s downcast and moody.
At that downtime, she wants to talk and talk. She feels better by talking about her problems unlike men who withdraw into their shell at those moments in order to find a solution. You need to ensure you’re available to provide a listening hear while you focus on her. Ensure you put your phone aside completely. She’ll not be satisfied with anything less than your full attention. As she talks, don’t fail to chip in emphathetic phrases intermittently. Phrases like, “eeyah,” “haaaw,” “hmmm,” “that’s serious,” “sorry, my dear.”
In the course of the talking, because a woman communicates her feelings rather than facts, she often exagerates realities. That’s the poetic license we’re talking about. She’ll say, “nothing is working self,” whereas it’s only her phone that is not working well and the thing has been frustrating her. You’ve spent so much to ensure other things around her are working.
She’ll say, “I’m not even making any progress.” That’s not the fact mind you; she just finished a training program in a top organization, which is a lot of progress. It is just the little hardship that comes with job-hunting after graduation that has overwhelmed her.
She’ll say, “Everything is so boring in this marriage; we never go out.” The fact is that you still went out last month. She’s just currently bored and wants you to go out.
There are two possible responses this kind of speaking can elicit from you. First is that she comes across to you as someone that can never be satisfied. Someone who doesn’t appreciate all your efforts. Who just wants to drive you to death. This can create a lot of resentments in you towards her. Resist this tendency for resentment. That’s the way women talk. Get used to it. It’s called, “Women-Speak!”
Also resist the temptation to put yourself under unhealthy pressure in order to catch up with all her fantasies just in one day. Be sure that even if you sell all you have and give it to her, it won’t solve all her problems and wants because human wants are insatiable. If you start saving now towards buying the latest iphone, by the time you succeed, another version is out having some extra specs that are equally attractive. Suddenly the one you just bought is no longer good enough. Look, it is an endless chase!
The wives of many established millionaires we know still have a lot of complaints about unmet expectations. So don’t kill yourself. Money is never enough. The more money you have, the bigger your taste and your wife’s taste too. And somehow, at every point, the taste rises higher than your new level of income so that the money suddenly becomes not enough again.
Just stay focused on all you’re doing, taking one good step after the other. You’ll be shocked at those unexpected moments when she’ll approach you to really appreciate all your efforts to take her life from one level of glory to another. If you allow her complaints to weigh you down, you will never be able to move to your next level. And guess what, she’ll still later blame you for failing to move to your next level when all your mates are doing so.
The second possibility is during those downtimes when she’s expressing her frustrations and anger about her own life’s journey with poetic license, you’ll feel she’s blaming you for it all. Being a proper man, you are doing your best to give her the best experience under your leadership. You wish she’ll have no complaints at all.
Therefore, anytime she complains about her life’s limitations – which are sometimes only a figment of her imagination, you feel like a failure. You feel she’s blaming you for it. And sometimes, she can blame you directly. She can blame the marriage and its attendant obligations. She can blame the pregnancy in her tummy which you’re responsible for. Or the stress of caring for the children – your children! Or anything else you’re directly connected to!
Don’t let this get to you at all. She’s simply going through her usual cycle of emotional boom and burst. All she needs you to do at such moment is to simply lend her a listening hear where she can unburden her mind. She just wants you to show empathy without trying to offer any solution.
At other times when it is appropriate, simply help her sort out her thoughts and show her the path to the success she longs for right from where she is. Show the path clearly and chronologically and let her know your commitment to her every step of the way. Assure her she’ll get there in a short while. You’ll see her heave a sigh of relief and give you a tight hug if God prospers your effort on any of the occasions.
Note finally that for her, both big acts of love and small acts of love count equally. They score equal points. No matter how many big things you do for her, she’ll still complain about the little things if you leave them undone. The big things do not replace the little things.
To you, the fact that you ensure food never runs out in the house, that there’s always fuel in the generator, that electricity unit never runs out, that the rent is paid timeously, that her postgraduate fees are paid as at when due etc. should be enough reasons why you shouldn’t have to bother about little things like buying her flower, getting her a cake, sending her a romantic text, taking her to Dominos.
But no, her postgraduate fees of #300,000 scores the same point of love with her as much as a romantic text of #4. ?? Never let this surprise you brother. That’s how God made her. Just ensure never to leave anyone undone. You have all the grace you need.
So when the Bible says, “Likewise ye husbands, dwell with your wives according to KNOWLEDGE,” the first knowledge is that she’s more delicate than you. The other knowledge is what I’ve shared above (just the ones I consider most important to sustain peace in your home) – the knowledge of her peculiar make-up so that you’ll know how to rightly respond to it.
It is when you respond to this make-up “according to knowledge” that you can be sure of peace. If not there’ll be a lot of fights and crisis. And remember that it’s important to dwell with her in peace, so that your prayers will not be hindered and so that you can enjoy the best of what God has parceled inside her for you.
Peniela E. Akintujoye.
©️Peniela Eniayo, Akintujoye| email@example.com