Sex is an integral part of the married life that is to unfold from after the wedding. Somehow, there’s this tendency to shy away or concern yourself with other wedding plans and not just sex. You want to feel like, “when we get to the river, we’ll cross.” Sadly, this is not always true, you will not be able to cross if you have not learnt HOW to cross successfully.
As a lady that is planning to get married and especially one who is a virgin, it is very important to prepare mentally for the experience of sex before your wedding day; not necessarily the act which is rather intuitive and a lot personalized. You have not done well preparing for all the fun aspects of your wedding when you haven’t done anything remarkable regarding preparing yourself (body and mind) for sex.
Preparation is necessary because all your life, you have been taught and have bought into keeping yourself from sex. But now that the priest, your parents and the church say yes, without deliberate mind reconditioning, departure from the old norm might be difficult. It will be literally an herculean task fully adapting into and enjoying the new normal because what your body will naturally do is to stiffen by reflex actions to prevent any intrusion.
The first highlight is Mind preparation. This is necessary because sex is first a thing of the mind beyond the physical side of it. Announce to yourself, “I’m now about to start having sex.” chuckle and grin. Go ahead and have deliberate conversation in your mind; “Sex is good for me and I am going to have thrilling encounters.” I love to say repetition is the mother of lasting impression. ?? Build up on this by reading about sex. Yes. This psychological preparation is the one you do for yourself – the preparation of your mind.
Information is key. You’ll remain ignorant of the information you do not seek. While I do not advocate pornography as a source of information in this regard, you can seek healthy means to get very detailed information about the act of sex. For example, the book, “The Act of Marriage” by Tim and Beverly Lahaye or Sexual Intimacy in Marriage by Funmi Akingbade will provide you a detailed explanation of the act in a healthy fashion. Do this at about a month to the set date. I must admit, the information might be overwhelming, and so to avoid pitfalls, the date must already be in view.
Also, you can speak to an older couple, especially those who appear to have a very successful sexual life. When our own wedding was close, we had a one on one session with a married gynaecologist and Sex Therapist who put us through a lot of important details. We believed that he had a successful sexual life with his wife through the teachings he put out periodically on his blog. When we finally sat with him, we were not disappointed.
A note of caution here. As a rule of thumb on this, do not accept negative remarks aimed at badmouthing and downplaying the role of sex in your marriage. Your experience lies in your very hands; leave your mind that blank about the results you will get. Do not fill it with other people’s negative experiences. The fact that negative tales have gained great traction and seem to be popular doesn’t mean yours should join the statistics. Choose pleasure over pain this day, I plead thee. Hahaha.. And yes, many others might reach out to you on their own volition though with good intention to give you information. Please pick only the good ones, trash the bad, burn it and blow off the ashes.
Furthermore, start preparing yourself bodily (a week or two should be fine for this). With the help of a shaving stick and not blade please-sounds lame, but let me be as detailed as I can be. Shave your underarm and every hair around your vagina. If you are used to it then please get them waxed. Go ahead and get new underwears and lingeries. You are about to start dressing down as a norm in your husband’s eyes. Let him have a good sight. Hahaha.
Now, what this does is that it helps you to prepare your mind that there’s a big show coming and you want to show up in style, show up your best; not in rickety and tattered pieces. This is a place you want to be naked and not ashamed. New underwears and lingeries will help you to show up with great confidence- and douse every tension of am I good looking? Fascinating? Tantalizing?
Another thing to work on is FEAR, of the unknown or other things. This can be informed by a number of factors such as a near rape experience or body stiffness. Talk about this with your partner and all he will need do is assure you of a beautiful experience with him. As the sex progresses, do calculated breathings at intervals aimed at relaxing or calming down. Though I learnt a lot later in my marriage about Kegel exercises, I will recommend that you start doing it before attempting sex. It will help relax your vagina muscles and aid its elastic capacity without stress.
Furthermore, know what time of the month you are going to be having that first sex in, if it’s safe or otherwise, so that you can arm yourself with other tools such as a condom.
At this stage, I’ll like to talk about the general myth about pain during the first sex especially for a virgin. Sex involves that a turgid penis should penetrate into a vagina with only a tiny hole where menstruation passes through. There’s usually going to be pain. At least 90% of virgins experience pain but there are measures to either remove or reduce the pain. My husband has already spoken about the importance of using a lubricant with anaesthetic qualities. I will now say a little about removing the pain and easing the discomfort the repeated process of sex might bring after the first encounter.
First is that, it is not advisable that any attempt to deflower should take place that night if the whole event of the wedding happened that day and both of them are tired. A couple can focus on all other forms of love play like kissing, fondling, caressing and smooching that night. All of these are great things to do now. After that, get as much rest as possible.
This whole time, the husband must keep saying sweet words. You must show with your words that you love this person and you’re enjoying what’s going on with you both now. Be very generous with kind and sweet words. Sweet nothings, exaggeration is very allowed. Talk about how excited you are that you’re currently doing this with the one you love, and that it is OK and it’s a thing to do and good for you both. This is part of the man’s contribution to calming her nerves and reassuring her of his love.
Husbands, if you do not say anything, you’re not helping her, if you do not say positive things, you’re not helping her either. As she reveals each of her body parts for the first time, say sweet and complimentary things about them. That will make her completely comfortable to be naked with you and not ashamed. You can take it a step further by getting her a honeymoon gift. Might be little but the goal is to show her as much love, kind words and thoughtfulness that will reduce tension.
When you’re finally ready for the deflowering, after a long foreplay (up to 45min to 1hr), you can apply the anaesthetic lube. It starts functioning basically within one to two minutes of application. The man can start introducing his finger in the order my Husband; Coach P of ‘laivve’, the Liquid metal?? spoke about in the last episode.
Now, even with the anesthetic lube, though you won’t feel pain, the penetration will still not be comfortable because the place is not used to any intrusion prior. It is that discomfort that will inform the rate of thrusting. The man may still have to reduce the pace of thrusting at the beginning. As you grow by, you can increase it little by little until it’s smooth. Husbands must take on greatly the coat of patience. If you are an impatient man, please start praying from now. PATIENCE. Do not follow your instincts to act, If she says stop at any point, please do.
Moving on, in adjusting to the normal lubricants -KY jelly, durex, Lubrica etc – (as the anaesthetic lube is to serve the deflowering process and some days after) application must be elaborate. There should be no holding back or trying to micro manage the lubricant in application both inside and outside the vagina and on the penis (or over the condom) if you are using one.
After applying, upon entry, brothers, do not start thrusting immediately. Enter and stay still for some few seconds. Allow her to signal to you that thrusting can commence. The entry must be gentle as can be. Ladies can do more of the calculated breathing here now. In-out, in-out. Yas, you got this. Afterwards, the next major goal should be exploring the bodies for pleasure zones that can aid the great work.
Finally, practice makes great. Sisters, do not hold back in going on this ride anytime. Release yourself from the uptight mode. Relax. You can say your Nos but let your reason be genuine and not a mind preset about that sex isn’t food. Your goal ultimately is to be able to host a penis even without lubricants. And this is achievable when your body’s natural lubricant (wetness) is sufficient to ease friction in the process. When you achieve this, you have crossed a Rubicon.
Also, your vagina begins to expand to fit this frequent guest thereby removing any iota of pain or discomfort. You can only achieve a painless experience when you have more sex, not by avoiding it. Young bride, keep yielding to the act, little by little you will start enjoying it and find it seamless.
Your bedroom instructor, trust me I am kuku still a saint,
©️Peniela Eniayo, Akintujoye| firstname.lastname@example.org