We’ve discussed the imperative of delaying pregnancy a bit immediately after marriage from two perspectives so far.
1. The need for a proper consummation of the marriage itself; a foundational uninterrupted sexual fulfilment for the newly wed who have kept themselves pure for decades before marriage – before bringing in the disruption that pregnancy naturally introduces into a couple’s sexual life.
2. The need for a little time for their two bodies, that have been exposed to different vagaries and assaults of life, to adjust to each other, master each other and be able to easily bring each other to climax. This time is also available to get therapy for any sexual dysfunctions that any of them may have, before the marital journey proceeds on a fast lane, sometimes, of collapse.
Now there is a third imperative. While the first and second imperative are applicable to all classes of people, this third one is only applicable to a specific set of people: those who are getting married at a time when their financial and professional lives are really not yet anything to write home about. For this set of people, they have a third imperative for waiting. The need to take a little time to sort out their finances and professional lives so that they can continue on the path of growth despite the arrival of their kids.
I contend that there’s a minimum career pedestal that each person will need to step into to be sure that they can continue to easily build on what they have, and be able to continue to scale their career trajectories without being stagnated by the extra liabilities that the arrival of their kids will impose on them.
There are many people who had to give up their own dreams just to take care of their children. When their mates who were still single were pursuing professional courses, an extra degree and the rest of that, they were pursuing kids. The money they should have used for professional courses to upscale their career was used to buy Diapers and baby food.
As time went on, they couldn’t return to the planned course because their expenses widened rapidly – there was no extra money for those courses – child upkeep is so expensive, it consumed everything they had; then before they knew it, a second baby came, further plunging their meager income into crisis.
Five years after, they’ve not been able to find their way back to pursuing their dreams. They had to just take any job available to be able to pay their mounting bills. Of course the children must eat and go to school. They don’t care how you’ll do it, you just must find a way. This is the way many got stuck. Many that I know personally have been stuck in this manner for many years.
Because they couldn’t add value to themselves, of course they are in low paying jobs. The ends are not meeting, yet they can’t even dare leave the job because they have no replacement for even the little it is bringing in.
Even if some of these people will find their way back to the path towards their dream, many of them are already past the employability age. I’m sure you’re familiar with those vacancy adverts that read, “applicants should be between ages 24 and 29.” That’s just to tell you that you’re 35 that your season has passed. No one expects you to be pursuing your first recruitment in any field at this age. To everything there is a season. May our seasons not overtake us!
It is this kind of parents that sometimes overreact when their children disobey them. They’ll break down in tears and say very hurtful hurts to those kids, threatening them with all they’ve suffered in their husband’s house. I won’t blame them. They gave up their own dreams to give their children a life. The kids literally stole their lives.
While I greatly commend them for such sacrifice, I don’t think that’s the best way (if avoidable) to live life. You shouldn’t give up your own dreams because of some children. Everyone has a seperate life to live and purpose to fulfil. Live your life, climb to the top of your career, fulfil your dreams and then you’ll be both fulfilled and your children also- because they would enjoy you more as a rich, successful, accomplished and personally fulfilled parent.
The fact is so many of us will be marrying at a time when everything will really not be set. Eventhough spirit and soul syncrhony full ground, nothing dey pocket, yet our courtship is already the age of Methuselah; yet our hearts are already yearning for togetherness without any boundary of physical space. For some, it is their bodies that are yearning to be joined and they don’t want to disappoint God by going into fornication. Many of these kind of people are marrying everyday around us. Many of us will also marry under similar circumstances. What then is the wisdom?
The wisdom is: take some time to find a job first. I didn’t say any job. Find your dream job. If you need to take a course or training to be more competitive to get it, take that course first. Don’t let anyone rush you with one ‘yeye’ timetable of pregnancy.
For your own field, you should know the minimum pedestal for you to step upon and you’ll be sure that you’ve escaped from poverty no matter what. Think of that pedestal in your field that is sufficient foundation for you to continue to build upon for inevitable success. It is that pedestal you should quickly pursue before bringing in kids that will consume your little resources and prevent you from rising to that pedestal.
Use all your little resources now to build yourself a life; to pay for courses and trainings; to fund that internship; to get an extra degree if that’s the pedestal you need in your field. Child rearing is expensive o, especially for your kind of taste. You that can’t manage to give your child local pap like some of our mothers did. It’s either imported food or nothing. And you don’t want your own child to go to public schools. I hope you checked how much an averagely decent private school in your area pays per term. You didn’t check? You need to.
Aquire a reasonable list of assets before bringing in liabilities if you don’t want financial difficulties to turn your home into a theater of war. Assets are things that bring money into your hands. Your certificate (job), that professional course, that digital skill, that commercial vehicle, that business enterprise etc are assets. Liabilities are things that take money out of your pocket. Your personal car for instance and your Children are liabilities. Children are a blessing in the spiritual sense, but in economic sense, they are liabilities!
Be smart! Let assets “full ground” before bringing in liabilities so that your life will be easy and your marriage can be rancour free.
The irony is, under an atmosphere of perpetual lack – and the usual acrimony that accompanies it, the love that a couple possess for each other can easily transmogrify into hatred. I wish you wisdom!
Your brother,
Peniela E. Akintujoye.
©️Peniela Eniayo, Akintujoye| hello@lovestraighttalks.com
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