PEA: Dr., I saw you make a daring statement on your Facebook wall; that’s exactly why I decided to chat you up so I can interrogate the issue in details. I know you to be a Medical Doctor and Sex Therapist and so anything you say should be reliable scientifically and medically. What you said is reproduced below:
“Sexual appetites are easiest to tame when you’re naive. Your naivety is a blessing. If you think virginity isn’t dignity jump on this thread let me shred you! You’re fortunate to be a virgin, never let anyone make you feel otherwise! Even if it was just lack of opportunity for you, it’s still a blessing!
Once you become sexually active, you will need to regularly feed that appetite.
Just delay until you’re ready to start having regular sexual experiences. If you think virginity isn’t dignity, don’t run away oooo. Just come here and let’s argue small. I have your time and energy today!
Delaying the loss of your virginity does not cause more pain. And if you’re afraid, beep me when you’re ready, I’ll guide you through with instructions for free.
Those of you that started sleeping around since 13yrs wetin you gain other than “e dey sweet body.” But if I start listing what you could’ve lost now, you’ll feel horrible. My goal is not to hurt you; just to share some sense.”
So Dr, What do people lose by not keeping their virginity?
Dr. Caleb: First, naivety alongside its innocence is like egg once its broken, it can never be retrieved. As obviously emphasized, sexual urges are almost untameable for sexually active individuals. So once the individuals start having sex (good sex) it’s almost impossible to stop. Sex is extremely addictive, stimulating the same area of the brain as cannabis.
PEA: What does s/he lose if s/he’s unable to stop? How is this a negative?
Dr. Caleb: The addiction makes them lose control over their lives sometimes in similar ways to recreation drugs. Going any length, doing anything possible to have sex…This can potentially become a source of income loss. These people can pay their lives to ensure they have sex when the uncontrollable urge ( konji) comes over them. Sometimes this can become so problematic that it may lead to crimes such as rape. The urge can be so overwhelming that they are unable to focus on any meaningful thing when it comes.
For some of them especially the ladies, each episode is followed by a deep sense of guilt. For some of them the guilt is so deep even right in the act. Guilt in the act especially in women can be responsible for sexual pain disorder in unmarried women. Because they feel a deep sense of guilt they occasionally succumb, subconsciously making them lose their arousal and then they lose lubrications and experience pains. I have had so many cases like this; typically like you’re stealing a hot soup and getting your tongue burnt for it. Of course these issues aren’t absolutely occurring in all humans.
PEA: Is this sense of guilt not a product of the idea in the mind of the practitioners that premarital sex is sinful? Is it not a product of cultural and religious preconditioning? Do people who never grew within social, cultural or religious stereotype of “no sex until marriage” have such guilt also?
Dr. Caleb: Yes it is. But interestingly a larger percentage of people belong to this category. People who never grew within such religious and sociocultural settings do not experience this.
PEA: Will the sexual pain disorder you mentioned be because of lack of lubrication which in itself is a product of a sense of guilt?
Dr. Caleb: Yea commonly. Some other times psychology of guilt can make it difficult to enjoy the sex.
PEA: The lack of enjoyment is on the side of the man or woman?
Dr. Caleb: It’s the woman that will have pains. Of course it could be transient lasting just for a while. But it can also be persistent and become a permanent sexual disorder.
PEA: What do you refer to as “pain” here? You mean the sense of guilt?
Dr. Caleb: Actual pain from loss of lubrication. It can even be so bad that they may be sustaining bruises.
PEA: Why is the guilt more for ladies? Any medical explanation?
Dr. Caleb: Not medical though but ladies are usually more thoughtful about sexuality than men. All the same, men do not have any mechanism that will make them experience pains this way.
PEA: Wouldn’t it also be painful for a man to have pains or bruises having sex with a woman who has no or has lost lubrication?
Dr. Caleb: The pain is not significant for men although may be present but very light. The skin of the penis is like skin in any other part of the body in all ways, the vagina lining is mucosa that is neither equally tough nor contain layers designed to withstand friction. Women are more likely to suffer bruises in the vagina resulting in pains.
PEA: You spoke about the possibility of sexual addiction as a result of sexual exposure. I saw you referring to such addiction leading to crime such as rape. Anything rape usually refers to the men. Men are usually the rapists. Is this sexual addiction only limited to males?
Dr. Caleb: No, but its effect is usually more pronounced in men and I’m coming to why.
PEA: But if sex is this addictive and its addictiveness is this disadvantageous, then all married people who have full access to sex ought to be addicted to sex but what we find is different. Most couples have sex problems. A lot of married women are generally uninterested in sex. Then how are married men who are sexually active (of course) and probably addicted to sex able to stay productive on their jobs? We see a lot of them being productive. How can we reconcile your claims with these real life facts?
Dr. Caleb: Let’s split this for understanding to male and females separately. Let me address the side of the male first.
Married men that are not having sex in their homes have difficulty being productive. This is the reason why sexual issues are often basis of domestic violence. This is the reason why married men cheat. Every man that is sexually active will always want to have sex. It is good for him if he can always get it at home because when he cannot get it from his wife he begins to feel so uneasy till he gets it anywhere anyhow. This is the reason why Paul advises if married people have to abstain it should be for a while so as not to allow for evil.
For women however, the experience is a bit different because not all women experience pleasurable sex. Sexual dysfunction is as common as 50-80% of women. Sexual pleasure is more male oriented. The factors that contribute to this are numerous. We can analyse some of them but I don’t want to be distracted from the main point. So many women have never had good sex. It is a good experience that is desirable enough to become addictive. Every woman that has had orgasm before will crave for another. Women that have had this experience are equally at risk of going to any length to seek sexual satisfaction. I have met too many kind of these women. I have met women that claim they cannot live three days without sex.
I know ladies that would go to any length to seek sexual satisfaction whenever their urges come regardless of what you say or do even if it means going back to their ex boyfriend yet they’re workers in Church. I have had ladies I put on regimens to help them overcome sexual addictions. I have had families where the wives want so much sex and the husbands could not satisfy them. But these experiences are not as common as in men.
Addiction risk is stronger for men but as well present for women. Almost all the other factors we shall examine soon affect women more.
PEA: But at least based on what we’ve said above, there is a huge chance for a young lady who didn’t keep her virginity not to become addicted to sex since she may fall in the hands of guys who do not give her good sex enough to make her look forward again and again to the experience. This way, since she won’t become addicted, all the negative consequences associated with addiction doesn’t come to her. Do you concede this point?
Dr. Caleb: Yes, possible. But there are other possible consequences aside the possibility of addiction.
PEA: Maybe that’s good news for women who though no longer virgins had a terrible first experience. This is the time for them to ensure they don’t have another one until they are married because the next one may be too good to stop and then addiction sets in. Do you agree with my opinion?
Dr. Caleb: I see it another way, women who have had not very pleasant premarital sexual experience usually feel at loss. The experience to them is not worth the spiritual and emotional investment they had to make to have the sex so they usually are not motivated to keep having sex, not because they’re repentant but because the experience is just not worth it.
PEA: For men, based on what you said, I would think it’s better never to start. Most men have orgasm during virtually every sexual intercourse. Any of these orgasms can lead to addiction. Is that an advice you would like to give the men? It appears on this point of addiction, it’s even more important for men to keep their virginity than women.
Dr. Caleb: I agree, men are usually more addicted. So it is safe if only to be free of addiction that men abstain till they are ready.
The conversation with Dr. Caleb continues. WATCH OUT for CHAPTER 2 next week Sunday.
Peniela Eniayo, Akintujoye.