There’s the issue of a foundational sexual fulfilment as the first imperative for delaying pregnancy after marriage. But there’s another issue which I consider perhaps more critical. It is the matter of synchronising two bodies that have been subject to different vagaries of life before coming together.
While you were in Courtship, we taught you that God’s secret to marital success is founded on the principle of oneness – and here, we refer to oneness across the three spectrums of our being – spirit, soul and body. And so we charged you straightly to spend the whole of your courtship building the syncrhony of your spirits and souls.
We spent a whole year on this platform back then, teaching the details of what contents of the spirit and soul must be synchronised for a couple to have a fulfilling matrimony. But we warned you never to bring your bodies together until you are married as this is against the law of God and could also distract you from focusing on the the more urgent and critical synchrony of your spirits and souls.
Those of you who have followed our teachings since then and who have further joined our onsite/online courtship mentoring course would easily bear witness to the fact that synchronising your spirits and souls with that of a total stranger is an herculean task. Merging your purpose and visions into agreement, your doctrinal persuasions, your mind-sets, your love objects and your life’s passions, is no mean job.
For even I the writer, it took close to three years of conscious work before I got to the point with my wife where I felt we had synchronised our spirits and souls to a reasonable point – a point of safety where and only where it made any sense to consider progressing into an irreversible arena like marriage.
Now in the same vein, your body and that of your partner coming together in matrimony need to be brought into agreement – a point where they can both flow seamlessly; where they can understand each other’s language; where they can more easily bring each other to the maximum height of pleasure. The mark of a successful bodily syncrhony therefore is that point where the two bodies flow easily together, understand each other’s language, and can more easily and seamlessly bring each other to climax under an atmosphere of deep emotional connection and love.
Now, here is the challenge. The histories of your two bodies are not the same. The exposure that the two bodies have had in their past are not the same. The fact that their histories are not the same is the very reason there is a need for a conscious work of bringing them into agreement. Even if their histories are the same, the male body and that of the female are not the same. They can’t be operated with the same language. This is where the work of syncrhony – a conscious work, a deliberate labour comes in.
Some people are bringing a body into marriage that has been assaulted by rape and other sexual assaults in the past – and so they have post traumatic stress disorders to sort out. Some have been assaulted by the virus of extreme pornography and masturbation so that they now have a problem with ability to sustain an erection, premature ejaculation or cum (for women), and other arousal disorders. Some are bringing a body wounded by Female Genital Mutilation and by implication for some painful sex, low libido and a general disinterest in marital sex. We can go on and on to identify other variegated sexual dysfunctions that people bring into marriage that you have to inherit as their partner.
All of these issues will certainly prevent a young couple from having any form of fulfilling sexual relationship. That’s putting it mildly. To put it straight, these issues will lead the young couple into crisis – and for those of us involved in such a ministry as this, we know the amount of distress mails we receive from young couples who are having very low satisfaction with their new marriage; literal crisis to be frank, because of the way some of these issues are plaguing their sexual lives.
Since you’re not supposed to have been having sex before marriage, how are you supposed to deal with any of these issues before your marriage? Even if you knew some of them existed, you couldn’t have known how serious they are until you actually start having sex.
The big question we must now ask ourselves is whether as a wise couple, you ought to leave without resolution, something that can absolutely threaten the very foundation of the marriage you have with your partner and then start running after pregnancy. Which one should come first after marriage? You should be the judge.
Jack and Jil were newly married. Jack was a virgin but Jil wasn’t. She had been a victim of rape more than once. After these events, she went deep into the world of porn and masturbation as a coping mechanism. By the time she was getting married to Jack, porn and masturbation had seriously battered her mind sexually to the point that she wasn’t able to tolerate any form of foreplay from her husband…
“First, we can’t enjoy sex if it’s not her wish at that time, meaning she can only be the one to initiate it. If I encouraged her to have sex with me, you will see it in her face that she’s not really feeling it.
Second, you talked about long foreplay. It’s sad that it’s not working for us. I like touch so much but she won’t allow me touch her. When we want to have sex, it will be straight to business, no romance. This is her defense, she said after experiencing rape twice, she detests sex. So, she resolved to masturbating to make herself cum. She got used to it with time. Which means if we start kissing, she might cum in the process and the whole thing will be off for her.
It used to pain me that I can’t play with my wife’s body.
Thirdly, she is not athletic in bed. She said after her rape incidents, she was just having sex with her ex-boyfriends out of necessity and not really what she enjoyed. So, she will just lay down there, nothing nothing. Let me add this…She’s my first woman… So, I am having this feeling that after waiting for years, I’m getting this.”
When I related this to one of our gynecologists and sex therapist, he told me their issue cannot be handled via virtual counseling. They’ll need some extensive physical sessions. Some serious therapy.
Let’s now all judge, for this kind of couple (and there are countless others we’re handling or have handled, with other flavours of foundational problems), what should be the most urgent matter of their matrimony? Resolving this problem or pregnancy? Bear in mind that the most important reason why they married is to have a fulfilling life together. If they give birth while the problem remained, will the child likely grow up to meet parents that are at peace with each other? Will that child enjoy this kind of home?
As you can see from the tone of the brother, he’s already feeling frustrated. He’s already feeling cheated. He kept himself all these years only to get this, according to him. See that tone of frustration and disappointment. This problem certainly would have affected their harmony in other areas of their matrimony. The problem can lead to total depression for both of them ultimately. Now think with me other risks for their marriage as this issue persists. This kind of man is really more susceptible to extra-marital affairs. If he enters into the hands of a master performer once, he may be trapped.
BUT THEY CAN ALWAYS FIX THE PROBLEM AFTER THEIR FIRST CHILD
Really? I hope their marriage would still be alive by the time the child is born. Of course some marriages appear to be alive on the surface, but they are long dead or already badly wounded. The wine of the marriage is already gone. The love they both used to have for each other is now a thing of the past as a result of plenty quarrels. Only dutiful cohabitation is left. Does it make sense to pick a child (that can still come later) in exchange for these myriads of marital problems?
And you’re going to be going this way just because of some people who are counting the calendar and watching your stomach? Because of some parents who are almost using up their own lives (with all respect to them)? Or because of some church members? Who cares! It’s your life and your marriage. Not theirs! How will you run your own life based on other people’s wishes. Is that not utter foolishness? When the chips are down, will they be there to face the music with you? It will be you and you alone my brother. People can at best sympathize from afar. Use your sense!
You should recognize that even now that the woman is not pregnant (that’s if the issue is with the woman), resolving some of these issues is a lot of work; very demanding with time and sometimes resources. How easy will be it be to resolve some of these things after childbirth when first the body has been greatly altered and there’s a need to combine the care of a child with a very hectic work schedules? How easy will it be then?
BUT SIR, YOU’RE MAKING THESE ISSUES LOOK TOO SERIOUS THAN WE THINK NECESSARY
Let me tell you why? First, I counsel a lot of people and I know how serious the crisis they go through on account of not attending to many of these issues the moment they got married. I’m trying hard to make you avoid that kind of path by all means.
Secondly, I’m speaking to christian couples here who are supposed to stay faithful throughout the decades of their marriage to just one person.
Most worldly people would not address the need for sexual synchrony with their partners with this much seriousness because they have multiple partners. Many of them don’t fight their partners so much for sexual disinterest because they have young beautiful girls (who are always very interested) that they can easily “order for” using a mobile app. We know what goes on out there.
So if your partner is worrying you about having a great sex life, it’s because they plan to stick with you all through life. For this set of people, getting it right is indispensable.
On a final note, I know there are some very stunch Christians who will not cheat no matter how poor their sex lives with their spouse is. Those are people who fear God too much to go that way. People who either honour God so much in their hearts or are afraid of going to hell, you get! They are very few though. So they just resign to fate. Consider the problem as their cross.
Before you dismiss the seriousness of my message, I like to ask if that’s the vision of marriage you have for yourself or for your partner. A vision of resigning to fate if you’re so sure they can’t ever cheat on you?
If your answer to the questions above is no, then take this message seriously. Focus your marriage first on laying a good foundation of bodily synchrony before considering pregnancy. How long must you wait? It depends on how serious the sexual dysfunctions you brought into marriage is. At least get the problem fixed considerably before piling up other matters.
Indeed, many marriages that started with pregnancy should have started with therapy!
Peniela E. Akintujoye.
©️Peniela Eniayo, Akintujoye| email@example.com