With a determination to resist every form of malice in the bag, we wondered if there was any other sin that so easily besets married people so that we can strategies against it also. Don’t forget that our quest was to know no sin in our marriage just as it was said about Jesus that He knew no sin. We are still studying what keeping our likewise would mean from the standpoint of 1 Peter 2:21-23. (Refer to Episode 2 to fully understand this).
We considered malice to be the leading sin that easily besets married people. But there’s another one: adultery and other forms of marital infidelity.
On our part, we didn’t expect this to be a big problem because we married as virgins and by the grace of God, we had no addictions we struggled with when we were coming together.
If we could (by the grace abundantly available through Christ) abstain totally from fornication and other sexual immoralities all through those years of ravening testosterone and estrogen, inclusive of the four years of our courthsip, what will make adultery attractive at a time when there’s a righteous avenue to get our urges fully satisfied?
A few decisions were however important. Even someone who was never sexually wild could be more prone to external temptations if they are sexually starved by their partners. So we agreed never to take each other for granted. To ensure – even when it is not convenient – that the supply is matching the demand.
I have had a close discussion with an older friend who is currently a polygamist, a pastor too – but who in my opinion would never had found the message of, “polygamy is not a sin under the old and new covenant” attractive if he had a wife who made even a modest effort to ensure their sexual life was healthy. He told me, “in sixteen years of our being married, there was no single occasion when my wife made a sexual move. I must always be the one to initiate things; and many times when I do, she’ll ask if it is food.”
In the name of s/he cannot divorce me because s/he’s a christian, many christian married people have done many unthinkable things towards their partners with brazen impunity. The only thing they don’t recognize is that when you take people for granted until they are pushed to the wall, sometimes they may not mind going to hell (as foolish as that is) just to prove to you that they are no fools. And you think you yourself will be untouched when everything finally scatters?
Like I always tell my wife, there’s nothing like s/he doesn’t have a choice outside this marriage. There’s always a choice. It may be such a choice that no wise person ought to take but nevertheless it is a choice, and we’ve seen human beings make such choices in the past. And when that choice is made no matter how destructive or foolish, heaven will not fall; but you who took someone for granted and behaved as though it won’t affect you in any way, when everything is done scattering, that’s when your eyes will open to the fact your own very life has scattered alongside.
Anyway, we agreed never to take each other for granted. One year after, I can testify that my wife hasn’t and I haven’t.
The next important thing is to ensure that we don’t allows gaps between us. And this has nothing to do with physical proximity. You may be in the same house with someone but there’s so much gap between you. Everyone is fixated on their cell phones connecting with the world but not each other. External temptations have more potency when people are love and attention starved – when there has been a lingering gap between a couple.
So sometimes, those nights, we snatch each other’s phones and say, “can we put the phones aside and fellowship together? We’ve been so busy in the last two days and there’s already a distance between us.”
The other thing that creates distance is quarrels that are not resolved on time because of pride. We have remained committed to ensuring offences are resolved as quickly as they come so that the fellowship can remain unbroken.
But despite all of these, I can assure you that I still find women that are not my wife very attractive. In short, they are more attractive now than before I got married because my mind is no longer sexually virgin. And so the same principles of discipline and accountability that kept me in my single days are as necessary now as they were then. Isn’t that surprising?
Principles like, “I won’t take a second look,” “I’ll keep my eyes straight ahead;” “there’s nothing there that I don’t already have;” “I will not discuss anything in a call or chat with someone that my wife will be embarrassed if she sees it;” “I have no password to my phone and eventhough my wife will not needlessly pry into other people’s privacies on my phone, she really can freely pick my phone and use it for anything and if she accidentally clicks on any chat, nothing that I have discussed with an opposite sex will embarrass her.”
This is why friends, I counsel you as single people, cultivate discipline as from now. Marriage will never heal anyone from genital indiscretion. You will still need a lot of this discipline and the training in righteousness that your senses have cultivated (if any) to navigate marriage without scandals. This is where I fear for those of you who are indulging yourself now instead of training yourself in righteousness, self control and integrity. What then will you fall back on when you finally marry and the external attractions remain?
Don’t let anyone deceive you that as long as you’re the only sex partner, it’s Ok. Think about the number of sex partners s/he have had before you met and the number they’ll have if you leave. Bottomline is that because they have experienced varieties of partners, it is usually very difficult to stay with one person for the rest of their lives after marriage.
I have sincerely wondered endlessly, if I married without prior experience and without ever been hooked on anything, and yet I have had to take this much stand to resist sexual appeals, what is the fate of those who have always been all over the place? No wonder the faithfulness statistics in marriages as a whole is very lean.
We must know no sexual sin in our marriages friends, and the battle to achieving that must start now!
Peniela E. Akintujoye.
©️Peniela Eniayo, Akintujoye| firstname.lastname@example.org