My dear Priscilla, you’ve really gone through so much sorrow in twenty nine short years, eleven out of which were largely wasted. But I do not condemn you. My singular mission for responding to your mail is to see how we can redeem the rest of your life from wastage.
Some people make horrible life mistakes in their youth just because they didn’t have the privilege of having the right kind of parents, guardians or mentors at that stage of their life. Unfortunately, some were also unfortunate with the kind of church they attended with their parents. Their Church services were always dominated with jamborees (much singing and dancing) with little focus on the undiluted engrafted word which is able to wrest the heart from the snare of youthful lusts.
The sad thing is that the time of youth – between ages thirteen and thirty – is perhaps the most delicate time of anyone’s life. It’s the point (more than any other point) where the devil desires to cripple anyone who has the potential of becoming anything great in the hands of God.
It is because that season is a season of choices and decisions that are usually irreversible. The decision of what career to pursue, who to marry, the possibility of unwanted pregnancy/baby-mama and the development of several addictive life habits – good or bad – happen within this age bracket and are usually irreversible eventhough made often very carelessly by young people who are largely inexperienced.
In your case, the devil really took advantage of that inexperience and the lacuna of the right mentors in your life to deal to you a very heavy blow. If God doesn’t help you, this mistake that you made at eighteen can cripple the rest of your life. But even if you win at this second stage, there are permanent scars that nobody can do anything about. You’ll have to live with them and see how you can make your life a success regardless.
You were only eighteen when this boy came into your life. It was supposed to be a casual Christmas trip to the village. You met him and started dating. Before we could say Peniela (why should it only be Jack?), you became pregnant. He denied it. You had to endure the shame of that denial all through the pregnancy. He made you look like a whore to your family and everyone who heard about it. “The girl who doesn’t know who impregated her!”
When you put to bed, he wasn’t there of course. Your mum and sister had to shoulder all the responsibilities. Ten months later he was back to finally admit he was responsible. He told you it was the devil that made him act the way he did. You have to pity the devil sometimes.
You received him back and then one would have thought you were now wise. But no, shortly after, you took in the second time. Your mother couldn’t have it this time. So she sent you packing. And of course this boy had no personal apartment of his own and wasn’t ready for responsibility. He actually asked you to abort the baby. You eventually had to move in with his grandmother for two solid years. All the while, your academics was suspended while you ran the baby factory.
This guy was nowhere to be found again for up to three years. He doesn’t even call. His own is to deposit his sperm and go away. Three years after his second departure, he was back with a fresh story of repentance. Yet he remained a womanizer. Anytime you challenged him for being poly-amorous, he would question your legitimacy for having a proprietary sense towards him. After all, you were not married. He adds a caveat, that even if he marries you, he will not stop playing away matches. What a great husband you’ve gotten for yourself!
You admitted that since his return, the two of you cannot sit down to have a conversation. It doesn’t happen. You’re that not friends. The only time he talks to you is when he desires to go down below. And it’s going to be very mechanical to my mind. Making love when there is no love. What an irony!
So I agree with your assertion that if you marry this guy, your life will be very miserable. These were your own very words. I’m only agreeing with you. You’ll have a husband who is not your friend; who is a serial womaniser and who has no sense of responsibility. Worse still, he has no respect for you. And I can understand. You sold yourself very cheaply to him. If you marry him, one day, he’ll sleep with his girlfriend on your matrimonial bed and dare you to do your worst!
But you shouldn’t be surprised that only married men who want you as a second wife are coming for you. That’s what happens when the glory has departed. You already have two kids for a man you’re not married to. Which single man who has never had a child will easily find after-two an attractive proposition? One kid out of wedlock can be called a mistake. What do we call two? You’re even still cohabiting with your baby-daddy. As far as some are even concerned, you’re as good as culturally married.
Eventhough it is not impossible that you’ll get a single man who will want to marry you, the chances are very slim. If you were a high flying professional earning good salary now, that could have compensated for the burden of your past in the eyes of a suitor. But unfortunately, as a result of this mistake, you haven’t been able to proceed beyond school cert ever since. In your current state, I’m not sure you’re very much an attractive package for a very purposeful single man.
But we can change that narrative if you’re ready to pay the price. It’s going to be more difficult but it’s possible. I would advice that you go back to school. At 29, you’re still not too old to go back to school. By thirty-five you can have your degree. By forty, you’re almost finishing your PhD if you really want to get back at the devil. You can still become a very successful woman in your lifetime.
You can find a very reliable relative to help look after your children while you pick up your life again. You’re a good hairdresser at present. I saw the picture of your shop. Looks like a really big shop. You can support your schooling with that business. Thankfully, your guy started paying school fees recently. Let’s hope he continues after you pack out of his house. If not, you can get Lawyers involved. He has a legal duty to take care of those children.
I hope that you can immediately make a decision for Jesus. I’m talking about a genuine repentance and change of life. If not, with the kind of sinful life you’re currently living, you shouldn’t expect to marry anyone less than a womanizer now or later. You’re also a fornicator. Why should a fornicator be wary of marrying a womanizer? You will usually attract the kind of person you are.
If you’re able to repent genuinely, and then you pick up your academics afresh, then I see hope. But there is nothing wrong with having kids for more than one man. Nothing absolutely. What of those who lost their husbands early into marriage and had to remarry? Having kids for more than one man is far better than being in an abusive marriage that can even take your life prematurely along the line.
If we get a good child of God who lost his wife or who also fathers a child out of wedlock but hasn’t ever been married, you can marry such a person. A divorcee on biblical grounds may also qualify. And who knows, God being the God of all grace, we may find a man who has never been married nor fathers a child who will be happy to marry you, especially as you begin to upgrade your life academically. Whichever way, you’ll have kids for more than one man, and there’s nothing wrong with that. But you won’t be second wife to anyone. Rule that out. It’s not God’s will for you.
A good mentor will be very useful to make all of these plans work out and in case you’re willing to submit your life, I’ll be willing to mentor you. I love taking up very tough situations like yours and bringing out God’s beauty by the help of His grace.
Don’t give up on life Priscilla. Out of the broken pieces of your past, God can still build a gigantic edifice of hope!
Peniela E. Akintujoye.
©️Peniela Eniayo, Akintujoye| firstname.lastname@example.org