Tope:
I’ve gone through everything.
I will try and attempt maybe two out of the four questions.
1: (What should be disclosed) are the things that can break up a relationship; maybe addictions (smoking,sex,masturbation) etc.
2: The part where you tell your partner whether you are a virgin or not is not really that necessary, because they might not want to believe or have doubt about the whole thing. And even if he wants to believe, there’s no doubt without the guidance and control of the Holy Spirit, that person might want to really ‘test and see’ if you are telling the truth.
Then on the part of the partner asking how many men you’ve been with; it is not that necessary. “Old things have passed away, behold all things have become new.” Let your past be in the past. I stand to be corrected though.
Blessing:
I still feel it’s very necessary to tell your partner your past. Not all men are foolish to use it against you. It’s better he knows so that if he can’t go on with you, you will know on time.
Just last week I got a call and the person told me that his friend’s wedding has been called off because the church asked them to get fertility test amongst others; just for them to get to the hospital and the man discovered that his soon to be bride doesn’t have a womb. All these while, she never mentioned it because of fear of what that lady listed above?. Last last, it has still ended in premium tears. If she had said it from the start, the guy would have decided to stay or not. The secret she is trying to hide, definitely her family will know now as well as the guy’s friends and family as well.
Any man that uses your past against you isn’t good enough for you and doesn’t know Christ enough to lead you. Moreover, he should also tell you his past as well not only you telling him yours. My opinion.
Deborah:
Me… I really really think there should be no secrets between you and your fiance. I was of that school of thought until I read that transcribed message.
Well… the awful reality is that people will still be humans; fallen, weak humans. As such, it’s not everything that a person will be able to handle. Sometimes, it’s the person’s depth and maturity that factors in. Therefore, one must be wise. Discern what to let out of the bag. Even more important, discern your partner’s psycho-emotional ability to take in what you’re divulging, at that point in time.
But for issues like a potential spouse’s reproductive potentials, it should definitely be top of the list of things to share from your past.
Addictions like pilfering, stealing…hmmmm because you people will soon become managers of family finances. Tell us now if pick-pocketting is your problem.
Also…health matters like HIV status, Genotype, any chronic disease you’re managing (HTN, Diabetes, Renal issues, psychiatric disorders etc). Don’t wait for your partner to discover this thing at the point where you both are doing a joint medical test. As soon as you both have decided on taking the marriage journey together, please let your fiance know.
If he/she leaves you at this point, it will be more dignifying for you, than in a scenario where it looks like you were trying to scam them and cover it up till you’re both in the marriage boat already.
2)Hmmmm… lemme see?… I don’t have a problem with a man I am in a relationship with asking whether I am a virgin. I think it’s not out of place.
But that going further to want to know how many men? I will tell him that my teacher used to tell us that it is “curiosity that killed the cat”. #Smiles
3)Can’t really say for this one oo. Maybe before next week I’ll think up something.
4) Definitely not. After marriage,whatever happens that one knows is going to negatively affect the marriage must be brought into the open, and prayerfully, if they’re sensitive issues.
Modupe:
God bless you sir for today’s topic. This is exactly what is killing my relationship or should I say “has killed” because I feel I’ve lost him already. Some of our guys are not matured to handle situations. If I had known, I would have just kept it to myself… He is in Lagos and I was in the North for my youth service. I’ve never kept anything from him so I thought I should just let him know. A colleague of mine in the lodge asked me out. I told him about it. Then I was ill. He came to check on me in my room and suddenly planted a kiss on my cheeks when he was leaving. I was shocked. It was sudden. He saw the anger on my face. He begged and promised it won’t repeat itself again. I told my man about it. Since then, our relationship has been another story – since November last year till date. According to him he is still in shock. I actually learnt my lesson and I support you sir. Keep your stuff to yourself. Some guys ain’t mature to handle situations.
Joy:
In a serious relationship, I think you should tell your partner everything. If after you telling him, he believes he cannot trust you or continue the relationship then let him go. There is no minor or worst past, past is past. Tell him or her everything. This not telling all the past has affected my relationship before. So, I will advice you tell your partner every of your past if he asked unless he never asked you.
Bori (married):
The summary of my answer to all these questions is this. It is best to disclose all about your past to your fiance or fiancée. It is never the best thing to conceal some awful past because of the fear of break up. I understand that we are humans and the tendency to act based on what we know comes to play, but this is where True Love comes in.
If you love me, then you will trust me, and not judge me by my past. If unfortunately you can’t handle it, and decide to break up with me, I will rather rejoice in the pain of being rejected before marriage, and wait for the Best from God who will love me for who I am.
In fact, one of the prerequisite of receiving salvation from God is still Confession. With the mouth, confession is made unto salvation.
I disagree with the thought that the past is buried, sometimes the past comes fighting back with guilt and bondage. If eventually the other party gets to know in marriage that past you have avoided sharing, that distrust is usually worse than the break up or judgement you are avoiding.
In marriage, if you see yourself as one, then nothing should be seen as unnecessary to be known by the couples.
Believe:
My opinion will be based on a relationship that the couple are sure of marriage in the nearest future, I mean not a baby relationship.
1. Nothing should be left undisclosed, especially things that are sensitive. And if sharing it can break the relationship then it’s better a broken relationship than a broken marriage because nothing is truly hidden under the sun
2. It’s not bad to want to know of sexual relationships your partner has had but he/she has to understand that it’s past and long gone and shouldn’t really count.
3. All past sexual life affects the future and should be disclosed
4. Full disclosure is best.
Omotola:
Sharing your past is not bad but have you thought about the maturity of the person you are sharing it with? Now the partner in question can be man in clothes but boy in reality and vice-versa. There are some parts of past that are necessary for you to disclose. Then, if truly it won’t affect the present or the future then let it be by-gone. Example, for a lady that got impregnated by a man and after delivery the baby dies, then the guy disappeared into the thin air and got married to another person and the lady in question is entering another relationship and such question is asked, will it be advisable to divulge such past since it has nothing to do with the future? My own answer is No. So wisdom is profitable to direct. My Submission.
Mercy:
Hmmn. I don’t think people react to us based on our past we tell only. I think there’s usually a trigger, especially when you are with the right person. Most likely that person can see traits of the things that’s responsible for the past life and they are beginning to become worried that the other person is gradually opening themselves up to that kind of life. It may be the case and it might not- I therefore do not personally think that is good enough reason to withhold information about who you used to be from your spouse. Letting them know can even serve as a protection and covering actually. I’m talking about an ideal relationship now.
Truth is any relationship that isn’t ideal ehn, anything, significant or otherwise, will break it. So there’s no formula to it.
However, being in a relationship requires certain openness. So one could divulge the following information if you ask me:
a. If one has been involved in any sexual act. Maybe not going into details about with who, when and how. It’s not sex movie?. The who becomes necessary if there’s a child involved.
b. If there’s a child out of wedlock
c. Any medical condition.
d. Any criminal record
e. Any specific incident that affected or is capable of triggering an unpleasant reaction – say rape or abuse or violence.
2. Oh, I think it’s an important question to ask – the virginity question. It’s OK if one person wants to be married to a Virgin and it’s OK to ask. Virginity is two way right? Applies both to the man and lady. We’ll both be in charge of our bodies and so it’s OK to want to know.
The with how many people part? Very necessary too. I’m saying these things as it pertains to an ideal relationship – not a relationship with immature minds. This conversation makes sense with people who recognize that you are not that person anymore. In fact, the more you can freely talk about your past without feeling attached to it, the freer from it you actually become.
3. Sexual life? I think if there’s been a sexual interaction somewhere, just mention it. Maybe not go into detail but mention it.
END
The discussion continues next week.
Your brother,
Peniela Eniayo Akintujoye.
©️Peniela Eniayo, Akintujoye| hello@lovestraighttalks.com
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