In discussing the test of true love, I will be using the story of Jacob and Rachel in Genesis 29. That story for me is the most comprehensive on the subject in the Bible.
In verses 16-18 of Genesis 29, the bible stated thus,
“And Laban had two daughters: the name of the elder was Leah, and the name of the younger was Rachel. Leah was tender eyed; but Rachel was beautiful and well favoured. And Jacob loved Rachel; and said, I will serve thee seven years for Rachel thy younger daughter.” Genesis 29:16-18.”
I suspect that Jacob started loving Rachel deeply from the very point he met her at the well. There was a great stone on the mouth of the well and the Bible made us to understand that Jacob singlehandedly rolled away that stone for Sister Rachel – the shepherdess. He alone. You know when love is driving you, there’ll be so much energy.
“Then Jacob went on his journey, and came into the land of the people of the east. And he looked, and behold a well in the field, and, lo, there were three flocks of sheep lying by it; for out of that well they watered the flocks: and a great stone was upon the well’s mouth. And thither were all the flocks gathered: and they rolled the stone from the well’s mouth, and watered the sheep, and put the stone again upon the well’s mouth in his place. And Jacob said unto them, My brethren, whence be ye? And they said, Of Haran are we. And he said unto them, Know ye Laban the son of Nahor? And they said, We know him. And he said unto them, Is he well? And they said, He is well: and, behold, Rachel his daughter cometh with the sheep. And he said, Lo, it is yet high day, neither is it time that the cattle should be gathered together: water ye the sheep, and go and feed them. And they said, We cannot, until all the flocks be gathered together, and till they roll the stone from the well’s mouth; then we water the sheep. And while he yet spake with them, Rachel came with her father’s sheep; for she kept them. And it came to pass, when Jacob saw Rachel the daughter of Laban his mother’s brother, and the sheep of Laban his mother’s brother, that Jacob went near, and rolled the stone from the well’s mouth, and watered the flock of Laban his mother’s brother. And Jacob kissed Rachel, and lifted up his voice, and wept.” Genesis 29:1-11.
From this passage, we see the first mark of true love – sacrifice and service. A stone that the other shepherds suggested can only be rolled by many people was singlehandedly rolled aside by Jacob. And he didn’t stop at that, he went further to water the flock – exactly what Rachel came to do. He took over the work and did it on her behalf. That’s true love at play. True love focuses on serving the object of love and not to be served by the object of love. He serves her and not to be served by her. He rolls his sleeves to get himself dirty just for her. He takes over her tasks and carries it out on her behalf. True love, immediately it arrives on the scene, is thinking, what does this lady need to do? What’s the task in her hands? What are her life quests? What are the obstacles on her way? What can I do to help her: move her to the next level; fight her battles on her behalf: bring her to a place of rest and wellness? I’m ready to invest my time, energy and resources into helping her to achieve this even if I’m not yet sure she’ll give me a Yes and though I do not expect anything in return. I just want her to be fine. This is the fervor of true love.
If a man claims to have true love for you but you’re the one serving him; being used by him; going the extra mile; investing in the relationship emotionally and financially while he is withholding himself and doing the barest minimum each time; he’s lying to you. If a man cannot serve you with joy; help you with joy and sacrifice for you with joy and without expecting anything in return, then the love he has for you is not true love. When a relationship has gotten to an advanced stage, this is also the test of true love from a woman towards her man.
Sequel to what I believe started as love at first sight, Jacob began to live with Rachael’s parents and the love only grew. His love is gradually standing the test of time. There are many so called love at first sight which fizzles away “in a jiffy” suggesting it was mere infatuation. But here, despite more intimate exposure which is meant to expose weaknesses and inadequacies, Jacob’s love for Rachel only got the more strengthened.
“And Jacob loved Rachel; and said, I will serve thee seven years for Rachel thy younger daughter.” Genesis 29:18.
He loved Rachel and he was ready to wait seven years to have her. That’s the second mark of true love that I want you to note in this story. True love waits. True love places a high value on the object of love and doesn’t want limitation of time to be a disqualifying factor why he would not have it. So, he’s ready to wait until he meets the condition or until the object of love is ripe – then he can have it in the end.
Someone says to you, “if you love me, you’ll have sex with me right away.” It’s a lie. If it’s true love, he’ll wait until he does all that is necessary to have you; ready to pay whatever price to get you. I hope you don’t sell yourself cheaply and miss out on the opportunity to really test whether the love he has for you is true love or not. The real test is his ability to wait and pay whatever is the price tag to have you. That was the kind of thing I was ready to do for Iyebiye. When I first asked her out and she was like, “my parents said I should not enter into relationship yet until I get to 500 Level and so because of that I am saying No.” I was like, “what did you say? So, what do I need to do? When you get to 500 Level which is 2 years from now, your parents said you can enter into relationship by then? No problem, I’ll wait for the next two years.” And I was serious about it. Because I loved her. I still love her very much. From the very first day I sighted her, I loved her so much. I can’t forget that very day I met her. The smile on her face when I was speaking with her. There was this shy smile – she was shy. I could see virtue. I can’t forget. That picture remains indelible in my mind. I just loved her. I heard her voice and I was like – waoh- smooth like milk. Is this a human being or an angel? All the obstacles she raised, I said no problem, I’m ready for it. When you love someone genuinely, there’s no extent you won’t be ready to go.
In the case of Jacob, he didn’t see a revelation. His didn’t happen like that of Adam where Good says, “my son, my son.” But I have seen that even if it didn’t happen like that of Jacob, if there’s true love, if there’s genuine love, it can keep. It can help you to go through the process because you’re already invested in the idea, “I must marry this person. It’s either I marry her or I marry her.” That was the kind of heart I had when Iyebiye stole my heart away. I just loved her. I loved her so much from the very moment I sighted her – at a time when she was a total stranger. But there was this special connection and I was like, “who is this?” At that time, she was very humble – smiles – she could not look at my face. She was just genuflecting as I spoke to her. “Yes sir, ok sir.” That really won me. “Oh, such a humble girl.” She could not look at my face. And she was smiling in the corner of her mouth. I cannot forget that sight. Just like Jacob, my love at first sight didn’t fizzle away when it was subjected to the test of prayer and time (and I will always counsel that you must get divine approval despite your love at first sight. That love is not enough as a basis of final marital decision); it only got strengthened as we drew closer to each other. So that I also got to a point when I literally said, I will work for seven years and pay whatever price just to have this girl. (It turned out to be four years in the end).
If you see anyone who’s not ready to pay the price of waiting until every obstacle on the way is overcome – who is quick to consider another option outside you, the love they have for you is either false or not deep enough.
The final thing I want you to note about true love is that it places a great price on the object of love and is ready to pay the price. I mentioned this in passing earlier but I’ll like to focus on the issue here.
“And Jacob loved Rachel; and said, I will serve thee seven years for Rachel thy younger daughter.” Genesis 29:18.
Note that it was Jacob that fixed the dowry and said, “I’ll serve you seven years.” Seven years? Not seven days. So, when you love someone genuinely, you place a great price on them. That’s what I find. The level of love that Jacob had for Rachel made him to put a very great price on her. It was not Laban that said, serve me for seven years. It was him that fixed the dowry himself. It’s just like saying, “this kind of girl, she’s worth seven years of service.” And the bible made us to understand in vs 20:
“And Jacob served seven years for Rachel; and they seemed unto him but a few days, for the love he had to her.”
Waoh. O my God! True love. When a brother truly loves a woman, he’s ready to pay the price. And a long time of paying doesn’t look long to him. Oh, we’ll need to wait two years or three years where you’ll have to pay so and so price – that is nothing. There’s no big deal about that. The price we’re talking about here is not necessarily monetary price. More than monetary price is the price of winning her heart; the price of forging oneness and synchrony of life with her; the price of coming into agreement; the price of loving; the price of winning the approval of her parents and disciplers etc. If you truly love someone, you are ready to pay whatever price is required.
I was counselling a couple in courtship, and the issue they had was parental consent. The mother of the guy who is Igbo said that her son cannot marry a Yoruba girl. She put her feet to the ground on this. They begged, persuaded, asked the priest in her home church to intervene, all to no avail. So, they called me and said, “We’re tired. We are already considering giving up and going separate ways.” I asked them, “how long have you even waited? If you really have true love for each other, you’ll wait for as long as is necessary. Jacob waited for 14 years to marry a girl that he truly loved. You have only waited for four months to get parental consent and you’re already giving up. It means you never loved each other deeply. It means you have alternatives beside each other all the while or where are you going to if you leave this relationship? You haven’t gotten to the height of true love until you have no alternative beside each other.” I really tackled their heart. They probably went back and thought over what I said. They must have retorted, “so going separate ways because of this issue meant we don’t love each other deeply enough. We don’t like to think that we don’t have true love for each other.” They waited it out eventually. They are now married. Surprisingly, the mother-in-law attended the wedding (we had thought she wouldn’t attend), danced so well and sprayed the bride money. We’ll talk more about this later in the segment that addressed parental consent.
Back to Jacob for now.
Jacob waited originally for seven years. And you know after the seven years, the Father-in-law packaged Leah for him because in their custom, the first night happens in the night and the bridechamber is always dark. So, Jacob woke up the following morning and realized that it was Leah. I guess they didn’t talk all through the sex. Or Jacob should have discovered it wasn’t Rachel. Anyway, the man was shocked when day broke that he had consummated with Leah. Laban then said to him, “serve another seven years to have Rachel.” He did it. So, he served for fourteen years in total. And the bible told us that it was like few days in his eyes. It’s today that I see brothers that are not ready to pay any price. A little discomfort, they’re already talking about breaking up. A little waiting, they can’t do it. Mind you, Jacob was living in their house. And the bible told us that Rachel was quite pretty. It means that all the time that Rachel was going about in the yard and her features were dangling, Jacob would be like, “O my God” but he couldn’t touch it. But he was ready to wait. May God raise brothers like that in our midst who are ready to wait. Who’ll say, “No problem, eventhough I can’t touch it, but I can imagine that what’s behind those clothes are going to be great. So, let me put in the work. No worries, it’s still going to be mine later on. I don’t need to steal it. Stolen waters are sweet but it will set my teeth on edges. It will become gravel in my mouth with time. I will wait.”
Those days when I look at Iyebiye and see her beauty, that’s what I tell myself. I just let the anticipation motivate me to say, “it will still be mine exclusively, why do I need to rush? Let me pay the price, let me go through the normal process.” May God raise correct brothers in our midst that are not thieves who are stealing what’s not yet theirs – eating a food that’s not yet done. The father has not yet blessed you. There’s no transfer yet. You’re a thief. It’s the truth. You’re a thief. When you go and sleep with a lady that the father has not released to you and blessed you to have, you’re a cheat because that woman is not yet yours. She belongs to God and then to her father and mother. They’ve not blessed you; they’ve not released her to you; you’ve not paid dowry; you’ve not prostrated seven times as a symbol of honour to those who raised her to become who she has become (as it’s required in some culture) but you’re already pressing her breast. You are a thief. And you’re not doing right. It’s wrong. It’s a taboo. It’s not yet yours. You can’t touch it yet. But let the anticipation of it encourage you to put in the work. If finance is something you need to sort out to be able to marry her, let that be your motivation to put in your hard work so that the day when she’ll be handed over to you officially can come faster. These are the kind of brothers that God must raise for us. And this was what Jacob was.
Ask yourself the question, now that you understand what true love entails, is the love between me and my partner true love? True love is that love that is ready to pay the price and make a lot of sacrifices even if there’s no immediate benefit. Jacob was not getting anything yet. He was not getting sex or nay other benefit. And yet he put in 14 years just to marry a girl. That’s how far true love can go.
So, the definition of true love is not in pressing each other’s boobs or any other connection that’s sexual in nature. The definition of true love is that it serves and sacrifices; it’s selfless – devoted to the growth and upliftment of the object of love and not himself or herself only; it is ready to wait no matter how long it takes; it is ready to pay any price necessary; it doesn’t easily switch to an alternative; it is die-hard!
If you’re in a relationship that you’re realizing is false love after reading this, don’t delay to disconnect and trust God to reconnect you rightly in order to avoid future regrets.
Your brother,
Peniela Eniayo Akintujoye.
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