It bothers me that a lot of women never bother about investigating the past life of their suitors as men do. One told me she didn’t think it was important. You don’t mean it! So though he asked you about your past relationships and you told him how many people you’ve been with; he even asked you how many of them you slept with, you had no question for him at all? Common girl!
You also need to know if he’s a virgin. Virginity is not the hymen, it’s a state of innocence. A man is equally a virgin if he has never known any woman. If he isn’t a virgin, his level of sexual involvement is relevant for investigation. Has he been keeping multiple sex partners? Has he been sexually active in a present continuous sense? This is important to determine whether he will likely be able to settle for a single partner in marriage or whether you should prepare to put up with several others who will actively share your food with you.
Most men who have been used to having multiple sexual partners before marriage are never able to stay faithful to one person in marriage. They are already used to varieties. And some of them are already so wild, normal sex will not satisfy them. They have been used to threesome and ‘foursome’, while some can only get excited when they are able to humiliate, subdue or inflict pain on the woman – what is generally referred to as BDSM – a true perversion of the mind and an extreme expression of saddism against the female gender.
As a Christian Sister who has kept herself over the years, if you marry such a man you’re in hot soup. You won’t be able to satisfy him sexually because you’ve never been a pervert like him.
After reading last week’s post bordering on this same subject, a woman who had been married for over twenty years put a call across to me. She was in tears. She wished she did sufficient investigation into her husband’s past before going into marriage with him. Though the man lied that he was sexually innocent, going by his sexual moves and requests when they married, she found he had been very active with multiple partners. She wasn’t able to satisfy him. So he continued actively in adultery after marriage, and has now formally married a second wife. The first marriage had long been in shambles as a result of his adulterous life. She called me to advice on how she can find her way out of the marriage. I hope younger ladies will learn from this and act advisedly.
Do you also know that most men who have been addicted to pornography and masturbation develop acute erectile dysfunction and premature ejaculation? That’s a big issue on its own. As a virtuous sister, you’ve been storing up your passions for decades, looking forward to when you’ll be finally married. Finally, you’re married but to a man who cannot sustain an erection or who ejaculates less than a minute into penetration when you’re just about to begin to climb. It can be very frustrating. And as simple as this sounds, it has broken or dislocated many homes.
As the woman expresses her frustration about the one minute organ, the man’s ego gets bruised leading to anger and resentments. She in turn after some time may lose interest in sex altogether (since it only serves the man’s pleasure) or seek other means of satisfying herself – masturbation or extra marital affairs. The marriage is already on its way down at this point.
What about the possibility of having a child already? Isn’t that something to investigate? Has the relationship with his baby-mama ended or it’s still thriving? These are real issues of the past to interrogate and know so you may know what exactly you’re getting yourself into.
You can’t be the only one making disclosures. The other side needs to be interrogated too for your own safety as a woman. When you volunteer a little information, ask him, “what about you?” If he withholds information, make no further disclosures. His suppression of evidence may be indicative of his desire to simply weaponize your own disclosure while he presents himself as a saint.
We’ve said repeatedly though, that the purpose of disclosures is not so it can be engaged as a weapon. The goal of disclosures is to prevent surprises later in marriage and to help you both count the cost before biting the bullet.
If you want to have a relationship where honesty and openness remains a culture, you must never refer to the past your partner disclosed to you to flog them or score a point. If you do, that is probably the last time they’ll be open to you. As much as possible, avoid having to even talk about it except you’ve both developed such level of trust and intimacy over time that enables you to discuss without any sense of shame.
But you should know as a woman that a lot of men are liars, especially those who have no living relationship with God’s word. So his verbal answers mustn’t suffice for you. You must go beyond that for your investigations. Comb his social media accounts and that of his family and close friends; ask penetrative questions during unguarded moments and take note of the answers you get; see whether he freely leaves his phone with you or not. And if you’re dealing with someone who you’ve caught lying to you before, then you can’t believe whatever he says to you. That is sufficient to make you use the door.
Better still, don’t even date for a trial someone whose salvation experience is in doubt. That’s the greatest security against falling into a wrong hand. And salvation is not about bogus confessions but an empirical life of integrity, righteousness and truth. A man who is genuinely saved will be honest with you about the events of the past. Whatever they may be, his salvation experience has delivered him from the power of sin and addictions. He’s free now, not by mere confession but by the evidence of his current life. That’s the benefit of marrying someone who has truly encountered the cross.
Look well before you leap daughter of Sarah. May you not fall into a wrong hand.
Peniela E. Akintujoye.
©️Peniela Eniayo, Akintujoye| firstname.lastname@example.org